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If the shallow end is here...
And the deep end is here...
Then this is where Tom Cruise is right now. And I guess Katie Holmes is here with him, deep, deep underwater, giggling uncontrollably, exhibiting every sign of insanity. And in a moment, I’ll explain why this is so, so…
Question: So what?
Answer: So refreshing.
Question: Refreshing?
Answer: Yeah, refreshing.
For those of you that don’t have a subscription to Us Weekly, here’s a summary of the Tom and Katie situation. First, they were rumored to be dating. There was some hand-holding at red carpet events and then they were “getting serious” and then there was Oprah. If you haven’t seen clips of Tom’s appearance on Oprah, please watch it at http://gorillamask.net/cruiseoprah.shtml. Basically what happens is:
- Tom arrives on the set (the crowd goes berserk).
- Tom drops to one knee and pumps his fist in an attempt to make Phil Mickelson look athletic.
- Tom attacks Oprah, clutching both her hands and screaming, “I’m in love!”
- Tom jumps on the couch and stomps his feet on the cushion.
- Tom gets serious.
- Tom randomly laughs.
- Tom gets serious.
- Tom pumps his fist, then grabs Oprah, then laughs, then gets serious.
- Oprah tells Tom to go backstage and find Katie. (I’m sure this part of the show was planned ahead of time, but yo, Oprah, are you serious? After witnessing Tom’s manic condition, the Katie segment should have been aborted. Offering up Katie to Tom was like the scene in Jurassic Park when they tie the goat to the stake and let the Tyrannosaurus Rex eat it.)
- Tom chases through the back hallways of the Oprah set like a hungry dinosaur looking for goat meat.
- Tom drags Katie onstage and force-kisses her.
- Tom gets serious.
- Tom pumps his fist.
You get the picture. Basically Tom Cruise has been acting like he just got dowsed with a happy version of The Scarecrow’s fear spray.
People are saying that Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes have formed their relationship as a publicity stunt, as if either of them needed more attention. Now they’re engaged and it looks as though they’re actually serious. They’re probably shopping for houses together. Tom’s probably calling his favorite wedding planner (he’s used the same one for his first two weddings and this guy is FABULOUS). Katie’s deciding whether to wear heels that make Tom look 5’4” or 5’2”. This wedding is gonna happen, people.
I was discussing the Tom-Katie relationship with La Girlfriend and she brought up a good point: look how drastically the nature of the Tom Cruise – Nicole Kidman marriage has changed with four years hindsight. When they were an item he was the superstar, and she was the hot Australian supporting actress. She was the sidecar to his motorcycle. But now she’s the Hollywood goddess who stands for elegance and professionalism. He’s just (bleep)ing nuts.
(Has this happened with other couples? For sure. La Girlfriend points out that the Ben Affleck – Gwyneth Paltrow relationship turned similarly lopsided after they broke up. And Justin Timberlake is about four thousand times cooler than Britney Spears right now.)
Critics blame Tom’s transformation from hinting-at-insane to completely-off-his-rocker on his new publicist, who also happens to be his sister. Apparently, the old publicist encouraged the actor to keep a lid on himself. The new publicist encourages Tom to bare his soul, and if possible, do it while humping Oprah’s leg.
Or maybe it’s all Katie’s fault. Holmes’ arrival in Tom’s heart has clearly liberated him to the point that he feels he can expound on any subject, no matter how remotely it pertains to his own life. Take for example his recent feud with Brooke Shields over her acknowledged use of anti-depressants. She said they helped her conquer postpartum depression. He said she was being irresponsible. So she told him to go back to fighting aliens and leave her alone.
Then there was the huge blowup between Tom and Matt Lauer when Tom appeared on the Today Show and –
Question: I thought you were going to tell us why Tom Cruise going insane was so refreshing.
Answer: I’m getting there. Don’t interrupt.
So anyway, Tom Cruise goes on the Today show and Matt Lauer is interviewing –
Question: I’m getting bored.
Answer: Would you shut the hell up? You know what? Fine. I’ll tell you why this is so refreshing. At least Tom Cruise is being honest about the fact that he’s a scientologist, at least he’s standing up for his beliefs.
For years he’s given standard interviews that reveal nothing about his true personality. And it’s not just him. Whenever a Hollywood star has a new movie coming out, they go on the talk show and magazine circuit and discuss nothing important. Then, on the cover of some magazine, we read, “Angelina Discloses Her Dirtiest Secrets!”
Wait. I just realized that I don’t want to know about Angelina Jolie’s dirtiest secrets. They probably involve her brother, Billy Bob Thornton, a penis ring, and a liter of bat blood.
But the point is that movie stars rarely present themselves honestly to the public. Those talk show interviews? I hate to break it to you, but they’re staged. As someone who has worked in the business as an expert coffee retriever for Conan O’Brien, I can tell you that there’s a reason that the superstar actress always has a charming anecdote in response to Conan’s questions about yoga. It seems random that he would ask a question about yoga, and it seems even more random that the actress would be ready with a story about her leotard ripping. But there was a pre-interview interview with a producer! Conan already knows that she has a yoga leotard story!
So what happens when a Hollywood star steps out of his or her shell and tells the world how he or she really feels? We jump all over them. We say they have no right to have a political opinion. They should keep their religious beliefs to themselves. They should stop being poop-brained narcissists.
But that’s not fair. We should thank them for their honesty. They’re providing us with entertainment and we should be grateful.
So yes, Tom Cruise is insane. But it’s a refreshing kind of insane.
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