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Hey, Mr. Vacation!
Mr. Vacation: Yes?
Let’s talk about vacation!
Mr. Vacation: Oh, no thank you, hombre. Hahahaha. Just kidding. I’ll discuss vacation until my lips fall off. Is this water for me?
Well, it’s mine, but help yourself.
Mr. Vacation: Thank you.
So, Mr. Vacation, you know pretty much everything there is to know about vacationing, right?
Mr. Vacation: Yes, but my région de specialité is the Northeast.
You only specialize in the Northeast?
Mr. Vacation: Is that a problem?
Not really… It’s just that – I prepared a bunch of questions about other places. You know, like Mt. Rushmore and Niagara Falls.
Mr. Vacation: I’ve never ventured to the Niagara Falls.
Okay, um, sure. No problem, Mr. Vacation. I’ll just come up with some new questions. Wait. What kind of person has the audacity to call himself Mr. Vacation when he’s never been to Niagara Falls?
Mr. Vacation: Dare you question my authority?
No. Well, yeah. I guess I do.
Mr. Vacation: Do you not see that I am wearing a floral print shirt from Old Navy that fairly screams “Mr. Vacation?”
I do see that. I definitely see that. Look, I feel like we’re off to a bad start. I’ll just ask you about the Northeast. Okay, here’s a question: when should people go to the Hamptons?
Mr. Vacation: Good question. NEVER. People should never go to the Hamptons. I went to the Hamptons once. It was 1988 and I wasted away the nights boom boom-ing with the cast of Weekend at Bernie’s. Those were crazy – and sexy – times. Andrew McCarthy and I engaged in an affair that painted the beaches crimson – with love. Or at least I thought it was love. Turns out he was just looking for “inspiration.” At least that’s what he called it. Anyway, he had a bad coke habit and it made him surly.
Wait. Are you trying to tell me that you had an affair with Andrew McCarthy, the actor, during the shooting of Weekend at Bernie’s?
Mr. Vacation: Indeed, my friend.
Okay, you know what? I just checked imdb.com, and Weekend at Bernie’s wasn’t even filmed in the Hamptons.
Mr. Vacation: Yes it was. Your skepticism is misplaced. Hampton Island. Watch the movie again.
You’re wrong. Bernie’s house was supposedly on “Hampton Island” but the movie was really shot in a nature preserve in North Carolina.
Mr. Vacation: Why are you telling me this?
Because it disproves your Andrew McCarthy story. How could you have had an affair with him if you were in the Hamptons and he was in North Carolina?
Mr. Vacation: Oh, I dare say I see what the problem is. I already told you – ma specialité is in the Northeast. I can’t offer an opinion on nature preserves in North Carolina. Sorry, broherto.
What? That’s not – Broherto’s not even a word. All right, fine. Let’s just move on. Let’s talk about Maine. What can you tell me about Maine?
Mr. Vacation: Well, I can tell you this: avoid that nation! Have you seen the movie about the killer seal?
The killer seal? There was a movie about a friendly seal called Andre.
Mr. Vacation: Yes. Precisely. The friendly seal that dove headlong into insanity. He antagonized fishermen and he could speak four human languages.
No he couldn’t.
Mr. Vacation: Yes he could.
(Three minutes of silence)
This is awkward.
Mr. Vacation: Au contraire. This is NOT awkward.
(Four minutes of silence)
Well, is there anything you can tell us about Maine that doesn’t have to do with a movie?
Mr. Vacation: Of course. There’s Arcade Park –
Acadia Park?
Mr. Vacation: Mmm, yes. The first place the sun rises in the world every day.
That’s not even close to true. The sun rises in England before it rises in Maine.
Mr. Vacation: There’s also Portland, which is sometimes referred to as the “Tokyo of New England.”
You’ve never been to Maine, have you?
Mr. Vacation: No. Heard of it, but never been there.
Have you been anywhere, Mr. Vacation?
Mr. Vacation: New Hampshire. Lake Winnipesaukee. I surmise. In the late 90s.
Is there anything you can tell us about it?
Mr. Vacation: I don’t really remember the trip. Oh, wait. Yes I do. I was going to go windsurfing on the lake with several graduate students but I found traffic to be impregnable just across the Massachusetts border. Alas, I turned around. Apparently all the Caucasian refuse in New England had collectively decided to put their trailers on wheels and flock to some mechanized chariot excursion.
The New England 300 at the New Hampshire International Speedway?
Mr. Vacation: Yes. My advice to your faithful readers? Do not go to New Hampshire. Ever. Because if you don’t listen to country radio stations, you shan’t know when a bushel of hicks are heading to an oval Mecca to watch automobile collisions and sex up their half-siblings.
Sex up their half-siblings? That’s disgusting. A lot of people enjoy NASCAR. Not just “hicks.”
Mr. Vacation: A lot of people enjoy a lot of things.
Mr. Vacation, you’re being childish.
Mr. Vacation: YOU’RE being childish.
That’s enough.
Mr. Vacation: That’s enough.
If you’re just going to repeat everything I say, this interview is over.
Mr. Vacation: If you’re just –
Shut up.
Mr. Vacation: Shut up.
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