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Recently I was researching Dale Sveum, maligned third base coach of the Boston Red Sox, and I stumbled upon an article in The Boston Globe describing his house in Arizona. Of particular interest to me was this sentence: “The house’s backyard, covered with artificial turf, contains a putting green and an in-ground trampoline.” I thought:
That
Is
Awesome.
Who wouldn’t want a backyard of Astroturf? You wouldn’t have to mow it. You could just vacuum it when it got dirty. Everyone in your neighborhood would want to be friends with you.
I can’t wait until I grow up and have my own house. I’m going to be like Dale Sveum and make my house the way I want it, not the way Home and Garden wants it. It’s going to be my dream house.
But before I get into the details of my dream house, let’s set some ground rules. I’m making the following two assumptions:
1) I will have more money than MC Hammer and Vanilla Ice combined. Not more money than they have now, more money than they had ten years ago.
2) I will be single. Or if I have a wife, she will be so lacking in taste that she will think that all my ideas are good ideas. She will probably be hot, but there are more important things than physical appearance. Like an appreciation of Astroturf.
Here’s how my dream house looks.
GENERAL LAYOUT: The dream house is big, on a lake, next to a bunch of other houses. The other houses are owned by movie stars and professional athletes who are always looking to party and play pick-up roller hockey.
BACKYARD: My backyard is a lot like Dale Sveum’s backyard except that I have a swimming pool next to the trampoline. There’s also a basketball hoop so I can play trampoline basketball with Leonardo Dicaprio, who lives two doors down from me. The pool is colored red instead of blue. This is so that when Sandra Bullock comes over and I take her into the backyard, I can look at the pool, act scared, and go, “Oh no! One of the children has fallen off the trampoline and hit his or her head on the side of the pool and bled to death in the shallow end again!” Sandra will freak out, but then I will say just kidding.
OFFICE: This is where I design and print out invitations to my parties.
MAIN FOYER: The biggest room in my house is used exclusively for whiffle ball. I got this idea from Mark Cuban, who is a billionaire, the owner of the Dallas Maverics, and crazier than the monkeys from Outbreak. The room looks like a miniature Fenway Park and there is a real dirt infield so you can dive headfirst into second base. Barry Bonds comes over to play sometimes. He brings his own bat. It has duct tape wrapped around the barrel to make the ball go farther. I’m always like, “Barry, that’s cheating! You’re not allowed to put tape on your bat.” And he’s like “What? There’s tape on my bat? My personal trainer gave me this bat. I didn’t know there was tape on it. You’re racist.”
KITCHEN: I have huge flat grills so that I can cook up to four hundred sausage breakfast sandwiches at once. The refrigerator is stocked with Budweiser and frozen pizza. One of my neighbors is Emeril and he comes over to cook for me all the time. He gets pretty annoying though.
FAMILY ROOM: The family room is now a bar. I have every liquor that’s ever been made and I also have an ice luge. Natalie Portman lives across the lake and she’s always driving over in her boat to take body shots. She usually gets too drunk to drive home because she’s so small.
SECRET PASSAGEWAYS: There are a lot of these.
A CAVE WHERE I KEEP MY BOAT: I have one of these too. There is a tunnel that leads from under my house to the lake, so if anyone tries to break into my house to kill me, I can go down to the cave, hop in my cigarette boat, and escape to Natalie Portman’s house.
GUEST BEDROOM: The guest room is decorated in a safari motif. The sheets on the bed are zebra-patterned. There is a hidden infrared camera so I can watch my guests when we all go to bed and I’m still kind of awake and looking for something to do.
MASTER BATHROOM: There is a hot tub and a sauna and a urinal and one of those European things that shoots water at you after you poop. The countertops are real marble.
FITNESS ROOM: Nautilus machines, cardio center, smoothie bar, clean towels, spotter named Dan who wears short shorts. Pretty standard.
GUY ROOM: This room is in the basement. There’s a bar in this room with those stools that swivel, so you can push against the bar and see how many times you spin around. Leather couches and La-Z-Boy recliners face a 64” HD television. George Clooney, one of my neighbors, is always bringing over his own movies, which seems kind of tacky. Also in the Guy Room are a pong table, a pool table, table hockey (the one with the big bubble over it), and a life-size cutout of Kathy Ireland in jean shorts and a knotted up flannel shirt. Billy Joel comes over sometimes and gets drunk and tries to make out with the cardboard Kathy Ireland and then cries for a while.
Someday my dream house will become my reality house. I can’t wait till I’m a grownup.
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adam@theadamwhite.com |
