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QUESTION: Who is the best superhero?
A) Superman
B) Spider-Man
C) Spider-Man 2
D) Batman
ANSWER: Are you kidding? Batman is the sickest superhero ever.
Batman is so sweet because he does NOT have supernatural powers. He’s not an alien like Superman and he didn’t get bitten by a stupid arachnid like Spider-Man.
Hey, idiots. Aliens don’t exist and neither does Spidey sense.
Batman isn’t some male gymnast running around in a primary colored leotard. He wears black and that’s one of the reasons that he’s so badass. If you make fun of the ears on his mask, he’ll karate chop your neck and put you out of your misery.
Anyone could be Batman. Bruce Wayne is a special human being, but he’s only a human being. He puts his pants on one leg at a time – it’s just that once they’re on, he kills bad guys.
This is what it takes to be like Batman:
1. A lot of money. Did you think Batmobiles were cheap? Yeah, right. They’re like H3s equipped with rocket launchers, wings, and 48” chromers.
2. Drive. Batman has to give 110% pretty much all the time. If he has an off day, he’s dead and so is the little kid he’s trying to save from a burning building.
3. Athletic ability. Batman is probably 6’4” 235 lbs but he can run a 4.4 40. You can’t be fat and out of shape and then master all the martial arts. That’s not how life works. You could maybe become a brown belt, but that’s just embarrassing. I could kick your ass and I’ve never even taken karate. My driver’s ed teacher used to tell the fat kids that they weren’t good drivers because they couldn’t move their feet fast enough and the same philosophy applies to being a vigilante crime fighter.
4. Intelligence. This is probably the most underrated thing about Batman. He’s not just wandering around Gotham hoping to randomly stumble upon somebody robbing a bank. This guy is a detective and he will catch you with his mind and then beat you with his body.
5. Technology. That’s not a sheet hanging off Batman’s back. That’s a bulletproof cape. You can’t buy those in Wal-Mart.
6. Nothing to lose. Batman’s parents were killed right in front of him when he was a child and ever since then he’s been pissed off. He’s motivated by his past, but at the same time, he has no fear of dying because he doesn’t have any close family. That’s why it’s so dangerous for Bruce Wayne to get involved with a chick. What happens if they start a family and then one day Bruce goes out and gets his back broken by a terrorist in a clown suit? Then what? He’s going to be a terrible dad. He won’t be able to play catch with his kids and he’ll probably turn to drinking because he can’t fight crime anymore. Then instead of calling him Batman, they’ll call him Paralyzed Alcoholic Man.
Unless you’ve been living in a bat cave for the past year, you probably know that Batman Begins is coming out in June. That’s one of the reasons I’m so psyched about Batman right now. BUT I’M ALWAYS PSYCHED ABOUT BATMAN.
POINT: Batman isn’t that sweet because he wears a suit that has muscles carved into it.
COUNTERPOINT: OH MY GOD. Who said that? Would you like some Brie with your whine? He HAS to wear an armored suit because he doesn’t have inexplicable magical powers like Super“man” or Spider-“Man.” And if you were going to wear an armored suit, wouldn’t you want muscles carved into it? It’s for intimidation.
I thought I was going to have an asthma attack the first time I saw the trailer for Batman Begins because it was so awesome. I started breathing funny and my friend goes, “Hey, chill out.” But I was like, “NO! YOU CHILL OUT!!!!!!!”
Hold on a second.
Okay, I’m back.
My Batman replica mask was falling down over my eyes.
POINT: How come nobody figures out that Bruce Wayne and Batman are the same person? It’s not like his mask covers his entire face.
COUNTERPOINT: Okay, first of all, YOU wouldn’t have known that they were the same person if I hadn’t already told you. Second of all, some people do know. They’re either his friends or they’re his enemies, which means that he’s killed them or he’s about to kill them. Third of all, he disguises his voice. It’s way lower when he’s Batman.
Batman Returns is the best Batman movie but Batman Begins is going to be WAY BETTER!!!!!
A breakdown of the brand new Batman Begins trailer:
First young Bruce gets attacked by Bats. Bruce has a love/hate relationship with bats. He HATES the way they scare him, but he LOVES the way he dresses up as a bat and kills bad guys.
Liam Neeson tells Bruce that his parents’ death was not his fault. There are some shots of Bruce with a beard, so you know he goes off the deep end for a while. But then he’s like, “My parents deserve justice!” THIS MOVIE IS GOING TO BE CRAZY!!!!
There’s a Bruce-learning-martial-arts montage. Probably the greatest sequences in movie history are when people learn how to do karate or sword stuff. Think about The Karate Kid. Think about The Matrix. At first, they’re getting their ass kicked, but then they’re like RAAAAAAAAAAR!!!!!!! and they start killing EVERYONE.
Uh-oh. Katie Holmes, aka Rachel, just caught Bruce’s eye. Looks like he’s taking a step in the direction of Paralyzed Alcoholic Man. Yeah, right.
Morgan Freeman gets weapons for Bruce. Then he shows him the new Batmobile, which looks like one of those cars they drive on the moon. It eats Ford Focuses for breakfast.
Action montage including a fire-breathing horse. Batman is basically killing people left and right. Plus, it’s pretty obvious that he’s going to save Katie Holmes’ life at some point.
At the end of the trailer Bruce says, “A guy who dresses up as a bat clearly has issues.” Yeah, right. If you can’t pick up on his sarcasm, YOU have issues.
So why is Batman the best superhero ever?
OH MY GOD. I just spent like the past two hours telling you why.
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