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I went to see The Interpreter at Entertainment Cinemas last night because Nicole Kidman stars in it and I kind of have to see every movie she makes. It was an okay movie. Not great, not awful, just okay. Which is not okay.
Maybe I shouldn’t have gone to see The Interpreter at Entertainment Cinemas. They always ruin movies. During Big Fish the picture was out of focus and shaky. During Miracle they let in a bunch of little kids and sold them way too much soda. And during The Interpreter, the sound system buzzed incessantly. It sounded like we were getting attacked by a swarm of robot bees. And I really hate robot bees.
So maybe if I had watched The Interpreter in a state-of-the-art cineplex I would have appreciated it more. But I doubt it.
There are all sorts of questions that come to mind after seeing The Interpreter, but the one that’s most prominent for me is: Why is Nicole making okay movies? She should be making awesome movies or touching movies or, if all else fails, pornographic movies.
Needless to say, I’m a little frustrated with her right now. She’s definitely in a slump. It’s comebackfromable – I don’t think she’s reached Chuck Knoblauch or Britney Spears status yet, but she’s running out of time. She’s almost thirty-eight, which is pretty old. To put her age in perspective, I’m only twenty-two, which means that in six years she’s going to be twice as old as me. She better right her ship before body parts start to sag, then fall off.
Let’s look at the six movies she’s made since Birthday Girl, which I thought was good. (I’m leaving out Birth because I haven’t seen it yet.)
The Hours
Now I understand that she won an Academy Award for this movie, but the first twenty minutes were so boring that I had to shut down the DVD player, stick my finger down my throat, and pretend to barf. Also, the three largest roles are played by women so I knew right away that the movie was going to suck. Did I have to watch The First Wives Club or Charlie’s Angels to know they were going to suck? Of course not. Besides, in The Hours, Nicole wears a bulbous prosthetic nose, which almost defeats the purpose of having her in a movie. You might as well cast the ugly journalist from Sex and the City.
Dogville
Boring, boring, boring. They didn’t even use real sets in this movie. It was just an empty black room with a door here and a chair there. Plus, Nicole gets raped for like the entire second half of the movie, which is NOT SOMETHING I ENJOY WATCHING.
The Human Stain
Okay, I pretty much liked this movie. A lot of people thought it was slow, but it held my attention. Anthony Hopkins plays a black man, which is worth the price of admission all by itself. My only problem with the movie is that Nicole is supposed to be New England white trash, which is ridiculous. If they wanted to make the movie realistic, they should have knocked out one of her teeth, given her acid-washed jeans, and curled her bangs half down, half up. Also, where were all the lobster traps in front of her house?
Cold Mountain
Could have been better. Way better. Here’s how: kill off Renée Zellweger’s character the moment she steps on Nicole’s farm. The entire movie should have been about how Nicole shoots her in the stomach with a shotgun and then everyone is happy and gives Nicole high fives and free food for preventing Bridget Jones: The Edge of Reason. (And as a side note on Cold Mountain, the funniest part of the movie was definitely Nicole’s ridiculously ugly child at the end. You take Nicole Kidman and Jude Law, two of the most beautiful people on the planet, mix their genetics, and come out with a red-headed girl that looks uglier than this girl who we met at a high school party and nicknamed Clifford? It doesn’t make sense. But my friend Sam hooked up with Clifford and I have pictures to prove it.
The Stepford Wives
The worst movie I saw in 2004. I can’t even talk about it.
And that brings us back to The Interpreter. Nicole plays a United Nations employee who translates one language into another language, which is called “interpreting.” She overhears somebody plotting to assassinate the president of Maboto, an invented African nation where Nicole’s family is from. Or at least, that’s where they used to be from. The Mabotan president killed them all, perhaps because he thought they were related to Renée Zellweger.
Sean Penn plays a secret service agent who is investigating the assassination complaint. His wife died in a car accident in Santa Fe two weeks ago so he’s kind of bummed out, drinking a lot, and listening to Lyle Lovett. This is excellent preparation for Penn’s next big role – ESPN has just announced that he’s taking a considerable pay cut to play Joe Namath in The Broadway Joe Story.
Problems with The Interpreter:
Nicole’s legs look too skinny.
They had zero “Nicole waiting naked in bed” scenes. (see The Human Stain)
They had zero “Nicole dancing in the glow of a car’s headlights while the rain is making her dress clingy” scenes. (see To Die For)
They had zero “Nicole wearing see-through underwear and smoking a joint” scenes. (see Eyes Wide Shut)
They had zero “Nicole in bed while a race car driver shows her how drafting works using sugar packets” scenes. (see Days of Thunder)
Things I learned about Nicole:
She’s left-handed. Or maybe I already knew that. If I did, I forgot.
I’m tired of making excuses for Nicole. She needs to start making good movies again. I’ve got the cover of an Entertainment Weekly from October 24, 2003 on my desk. Nicole’s on the cover and the caption says, “How Nicole Kidman Became The No. 1 Actress In Hollywood.” Well, guess what: that was then and this is now, baby. She’s still number one, but Natalie Portman and Naomi Watts are closing the gap like lionesses running after a wounded female zebra.
Bewitched is Nicole’s next movie. The co-star is Will Ferrell. This should be the best movie ever, better than Days of Thunder and Elf combined. It better be more than just okay.
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