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As someone who is 62.5% Jewish but eats pork and has never been to a bar mitzvah, I have only a passing interest in the new Catholic pope. I’m much more interested in the Jewish pope.
I’ve just been informed that there is no Jewish pope.
Whatever. On Wednesday morning I was in the news room in the library and I noticed that the Sistine Chapel was on fire. It was spewing white smoke. This, apparently, is a sign that a new pope has been elected by the cardinals, who are like priests except they’re birds. The new pope turned out to be an old German guy so everyone celebrated by taking Jäger bombs.
During the new pope’s speech in St. Peter’s Square, spontaneous chants erupted from the crowd. I heard two chants specifically. One was:
Heeey, hey, Pope! (clap, clap, clap)
The other was:
We’ve got a pope! (clap) We’ve got a pope! (clap)
This is a good thing for the pope because chanting someone’s name is always a sign of acceptance except when the chant is “A-ROD SUCKS!”
Here’s the scouting report on Joseph Ratzinger (or as he prefers to be called, Pope Benedict XVI. Or as he was probably called in high school, The Rat):
Height: somewhere between 5’8” and 6’1”
Weight: Oh, I don’t know. I’m never good at this. 175 lbs?
Nationality: German.
Age: seventy-eight. SEVENTY-EIGHT!
Interests: God, poor people, love, the Bible, abstinence, The OC, poking friends on thefacebook.
So since Benedict XVI is German, and John Paul II was Polish, does this mean that the Vatican is just moving eastward through Europe to find its popes? If so, is a cardinal from Belarus next? Or is it the Ukraine? Or Lithuania? (At this point, I’m just showing off my knowledge of Eastern European geography. The capital of Belarus is Minsk. I’m not afraid to throw that out there.)
Now let’s talk about how old Benedict is. Seventy-eight is pretty late to be starting a new job that’s really important. Like, if you were seventy-eight and you worked at McDonald’s and the manager died, do you think they would promote you? I doubt it. They would probably promote the young buck who just came through McDonald’s’s two-week managerial training program. He has the POTENTIAL to be a regional manager. You, as a septuagenarian, just have the potential to get older and more pissed off about rap music.
It seems like the Vatican should go in the other direction. Get someone youthful and EXTREME. Someone who has an attitude with a capital ‘TUDE. That’s how you convert people. If you want the young people to stop doing drugs, having premarital sex, and being gay, you need to get someone who can speak to us in our own language. Which is English. Not German.
Seriously. Almost every Catholic I know speaks English, so wouldn’t it make sense to choose an English-speaking pope? During Fox News’ live coverage in the wake of the ceremony, a German priest was asked if he was proud of Benedict. He said, “Yes, we are pride, but we are happy, ya?” See what I mean? That sentence doesn’t even make sense. How is a pope going to express himself if he can’t end a sentence without a question mark?
And here’s something else that might worry Catholics: after Benedict addressed the crowd in St. Peter’s square, one of the commentators on ABC said, “He seemed a little awkward or shy. By all accounts, he is that way.” It’s tough to be awkward and shy and be a leader of an entire religion. I was awkward and shy at middle school dances and it DID NOT WORK FOR ME AT ALL. So maybe the pope should try to be more cool and aggressive, which is an attitude that I call coolgressive. It’s pretty easy to be coolgressive when you’re wearing aviators and your hair is slicked back. I haven’t seen this pope go for that look yet.
But since Benedict has already been elected and there’s nothing I can do about it, here’s some advice for the new pope.
1) Make Easter more like Christmas. When I was a kid, Christmas was awesome because I would get stuff like a bike or Wayne Gretzky Hockey for the computer. Easter wasn’t so awesome. I would get jelly beans and MAYBE a chocolate bunny. Also, is the Easter Bunny real? I doubt it.
2) Take it easy on gay people.
3) Make a movie version of the Bible starring Josh Hartnett as Jesus. Make it take place in the future though.
4) Every Saturday night should be Karaoke night.
5) Make being a Catholic child fun again! Sunday school should be like the Boy Scouts, but with cooler uniforms and fewer nerds.
6) When’s the last time there was a crusade? 3,000 years ago? Let’s do that again.
7) Make heaven more accessible. Like, if you sent out a brochure or set up a website with pictures and stuff from the afterlife, a lot more people would be interested in living sin-free. I know I would.
In fact, if Pope Benedict XVI incorporates all my suggestions into the Catholic church, I’ll convert. I’ll even let a priest dunk me in water and de-circumcise my penis. I’d be pride and happy to do it.
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