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Dear reader,
Sometimes I write columns about imaginary professional spring breakers and receive emails like this one:
Date: 01 Apr 2005 15:25:54 EST
From: Pat (Name changed. Sexually ambiguous on purpose.)
Subject: what's up?
To: Adam H. White
What happened to the funny cool guy from last year?
You are just beyond inappropriate and really disgusting now!
Why would a "smart" guy like you want to write such a sexist, innapropriate, embarrassing article?
Your parents will be ashamed, and you should be ashamed.
As the (blank) at (blankety-blank), I'm always happy to advise Dartmouth students...and am here if you do want to discuss.
Disappointed,
pat
Some people don’t like me. I understand this. But listen, some people disliked Arnold Schwarzenegger’s performance in Jingle All the Way but they still elected him governor of North Mexico.
Since I’m one of the fairest people ever, I feel that my detractors should get just as much airtime as my supporters. Also, my supporters don’t really email me to let me know that they are, in fact, supporters, so this email from Pat (not his or her real name. Is it a guy or a girl? You’ll never know!) is pretty much all I’ve got.
I’ll try to respond to each point fairly and in great detail so as to fill as much space as possible. I’m not sure if you know this but sometimes I just write whatever crap comes into my head because I have no idea what I want to talk about and I find that people pretty much scan every sentence in my column until they see a phrase like GORILLA PENIS or TEN YEAR-OLD SODOMITE!
I will now address pat’s letter point-by-point. (The letter is 100% real by the way. All I changed is the name and whatever was replaced by (blank) or (blankety-blank).)
Point #1: What happened to the funny cool guy from last year?
Was this sarcastic? You’re either making a reference to a time last year when I described myself as both “funny” and “cool” (I don’t remember ever meeting you though – maybe it happened in the basement of AD?) or you actually thought I was a funny cool guy last year. If this latter scenario is indeed the case, then hey, I think we’re off to a pretty good start. Or maybe not. The section of the sentence that contains the words “what,” “happened,” and “to” seems to imply that I am NO LONGER funny and cool. I guess I should look at your next point and see what you think of me now.
Point #2: You are just beyond inappropriate and really disgusting now!
Wow. Okay. Pretty clear that you don’t think I’m funny and cool anymore. In fact, here is
inappropriate
and here is
disgusting
and I am
way the hell down here.
You’re right, of course. I have become beyond inappropriate and disgusting. You should see the squalor that is my life. I hardly shampoo anymore. I rarely shave. A couple weeks ago I forgot to apply deodorant in the morning.
But as bad as I am, I can imagine worse. In fact, just last week I imagined into being a despicable spring breaker. He was a deplorable person whose only values were a great tan, his pectoral muscles, drug use, and “three hundred pound bimbos.” But he was imaginary. He wasn’t real. And most importantly, he wasn’t me.
Other people who aren’t me: Hitler, Siegfried, Roy, Jesus, Spider-Man, and Justin Gelinas’s dog, Winston.
Point # 3: Why would a "smart" guy like you want to write such a sexist, innapropriate,
embarrassing article?
That’s more of a question than a point, isn’t it?
I’m glad you put the quotation marks around the word, “smart.” It brought special attention to that word, implied sarcasm, and delivered the message, “Hey! I think you’re the opposite of smart!” Thanks.
Now, when you say “sexist,” do you mean to imply that I was being derogatory towards women? Because I was trying to be derogatory towards men. I can’t stand guys whose entire lives are structured around taking drugs, weight lifting for the beach, getting tan, sculpting their hair, and taking advantage of women. I’ve never been on a spring break, but I imagine there are a lot of these guys sharking across the sand and through the clubs. So I’m sorry if any men who fall in this category were offended. I didn’t mean to stereotype an entire gender. That was sexist of me.
But while we’re on the subject of men and women, I would like to point out that I have never met a woman who is a better driver than me. Discussion question: am I…
A) inflating my ability to drive a car?
B) sexist?
C) correct?
D) unlucky in that I have never met the right women?
E) joking?
Point # 4: Your parents will be ashamed, and you should be ashamed.
Ouch. That hurt, man. Ironically, on the same day you sent me your email, I received an email from my mom, subject: “best son.” Maybe she was being sarcastic too. I’ll look into it.
I asked my dad how ashamed he was and he wrote back:
“Well, not very. I WAS wondering what [the hell you were thinking writing that column], but I wouldn't say ashamed. Pat (gender?) made it sound like you cut a huge fart on stage, started laughing, but the audience was silent.”
Elegantly put. So, are my parents ashamed of me? Not very. I can live with that.
Point #5: As the (blank) at (blankety-blank), I'm always happy to advise Dartmouth students...and am here if you do want to discuss.
I know you think I’m inappropriate, disgusting, sexist, inapropriate, embarrassing, and worthy of shame from my parents, but I swear I’m okay. I don’t need help. I just have an active imagination and don’t like spring breakers. Maybe I’m jealous because I’ve never been on a real spring break.
Point # 6: Disappointed, pat
Yeah, I kind of picked up on the disappointment. “Sincerely” would have been fine.
So thanks to pat for voicing his or her opinion of my column. I urge more of you to do the same. That way I’ll be able to devote this space to more than one piece of hate mail. Really. You need to send me more mail. This is bull crap.
Disappointed,
adam
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