previous column next column back to archives
The 77th Annual Academy Awards are this weekend but I won't be watching. Godamn, I miss football season. Remember when Sundays were for watching football and nobody would dare schedule an award show during the West Coast games? It seems so long ago. This is the worst sports month ever.
Here are three reasons why I have no desire to watch the Oscars:
1. I've seen roughly 10% of the nominated movies. And it's not like I don't go to many movies or shy away from Academy-caliber films. In the Best Picture category, I've seen Sideways and Ray. I would give Sideways an A- and Ray a B+. Very good movies, but not worthy of a best picture. I didn't see Million Dollar Baby because I don't like women's boxing and I hate Clint Eastwood. He's the most overrated old man in Hollywood. I didn't see The Aviator because I didn't hear great things about it. And I didn't see Finding Neverland because I heard it was really sad and I didn't want to cry because I haven't cried since The Lion King, when Simba's dad dies, and I wanted to keep that streak in tact. On a side note, Danny Barum, one of the interns I worked with on Late Night with Conan O'Brien, cried during Big Fish, which is pretty funny.
The Best Actress category is always the worst. I'm sure all the nominees are very deserving, but I generally don't go to movies that have women in the lead roles. This year these movies have titles like Being Julia, Vera Drake, and Maria Full of Grace. Look at those titles. There's no way there's going to be any explosions or gratuitous sex. If there's any nudity, it's going to be a woman cleaning out a flesh wound in a bath tub while she drinks tea and cries about her abusive boyfriend, which is not hot.
2. Chris Rock is hosting. How come nobody talks about how Chris Rock isn't funny anymore? It's kind of like Red Sox fans that were still clinging to remembrances of the old Nomar before he got traded. Maybe we don't criticize Chris Rock because he seems so angry and mean. We think if we say bad stuff about him, he'll find us and kill us. But this guy has completely lost his edge. Did anyone watch Head of State? I watched about fifteen minutes of it but then I decided I would rather get down on all fours and have somebody slam a car door into my head.
I've actually met Chris Rock before. Or kind of. I talked to him on the phone and he was sort of a dick. This happened at Late Night and I was manning the phone lines for a secretary who had stepped out of the office. I was told to take a message whenever anyone called, unless it was a celebrity calling for a producer, in which case I was to get the producer immediately. So here's how the conversation went down:
Me: Hello, Late Night.
CR: Hey, can I speak to Frank?
Me: He's out of the office. Can I take a message?
CR: Motherfucker.
Me: What?
CR: You're sure Frank's not there?
Me: Yes. Who's calling?
CR: It's Chris Rock.
Me: Chris Reich?
CR: No. Chris Rock.
Me: Who?
CR: Chris Rock. Big huge comedian.
Me: Oh shit. I'll go get Frank.
(phone hitting ground, me sprinting down hallway)
It happened exactly like that. In my defense, he doesn't sound like he does when he's on stage or in a movie. He sounds less angry. Or he did sound less angry before I called him Chris Reich. Maybe I got confused because he was asking for a Frank and Rock kind of sounds like Reich and Frank Reich was the quarterback who came in for Jim Kelley and led the Buffalo Bills to the greatest comeback win in NFL playoff history.
Anyway, Chris Rock made a huge self-call and he's not funny anymore.
Look, I don't know why hosts keep trying to deliver their jokes sober. The Academy should haze whoever is hosting by making him drink tequila shot after car bomb after tequila shot. Then send him out to read jokes and introduce presenters. This would be way funnier than Billy Crystal's opening montage or David Letterman's Uma-Oprah disaster. If being part of a fraternity has taught me anything it's that:
Sober Kid + Trying to Be Funny = Not Funny
but
Drunk Kid + Trying to Be Sober So He Can Be Funny = Hilarious
3. They don't give out Oscars in the right categories. Here are the categories I would include:
Most Obnoxious Cinema-Goer
This award goes to the guy who sat behind me and La Girlfriend during Sideways. First offense: he was a Line Repeater. For example, a character in the movie would say something funny, like "I'm going to kill you," and then this guy would feel the need to repeat the line, like, "I'm going to kill you." I'm not sure if he wanted to make sure that everybody got the joke or if he thought his delivery was better, but it was insufferable. Second offense: he actually had a comment for every bottle of wine that was opened in the movie. Paul Giamatti would be enjoying a bottle of 2001 La Rinconada pinot, and the guy behind us would whisper, "Ooh, La Rinconada! 2001 was a great year for pinots."
Dude. The joke's on you. The movie was making fun of wine geeks. So shut up.
Best Description of a Movie
After watching The Terminal with my friend, Nick, he was talking to a friend on his cell phone. I heard him say, "We just watched The Terminal.... It was okay. It wasn't as good as Saving Private Ryan." Very good point, Nick. I felt the same way.
Best Movie I Went to Thinking It Was in English, Realized It Was in Spanish, Contemplated Leaving, but Ended Up Really Liking
The Motorcycle Diaries.
Best Way to End a Column
Abruptly.
previous column next column back to archives
adam@theadamwhite.com |
