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A lot of people have been emailing me, wanting to know what I'll be doing next year. My standard response to these emails is:
I DON'T KNOW. BUT WHAT I DO KNOW IS THAT YOU'RE A JERK BECAUSE ONLY JERKS WANT TO KNOW WHAT I'M DOING NEXT YEAR.
These people all expect to hear the same thing. They want me to tell them that I have a job lined up as an investment banker in New York or that I'll be working as a math teacher in Rwanda or that I'll be joining the Peace Corps to save whales from tuna fishermen and floating garbage. Well, listen: I'm not about to sell my soul to the capitalist devil just so I can fall in line with the rest of post-collegiate America. I am not a whore.
I am, however, unemployed. Or at least I will be once I graduate college in June and "student" no longer becomes a viable box to check for my "job." I know what you're thinking: But Adam, you're an internationally adored columnist. This is true, but unfortunately my column is not a source of income. I actually pay to inhabit this corner of the World Wide Web. And because my site is pop-up free, I can't make any money from potential sponsors who want to advertise Bigger Penis drugs and Naughty Teen Slut videos.
So I'm going to post a cover letter and a resume. If anyone out there wants to give me a job, just email me at adam@adamwhitescolumn.com. I would be interested in writing about the Red Sox for The Boston Globe, playing hockey for the 2005-2006 replacement Bruins, walking dogs that possess gentle temperments, and instructing tennis. I would also consider film criticism, perhaps with Ebert and Roeper. If a movie was really good, we could give it "three thumbs up," which would be better than "two thumbs up" because there would be more thumbs. I am willing to work for not much money (60,000 dollars a year would be fine) and I would live in any city that isn't Pittsburgh. I would also like to have a secretary who looks good in glasses and is a satisfactory typist and massage therapist.
Here's my cover letter:
Dear whoever wants to give me a job,
I'm pretty sure I would be awesome at whatever it is you want me to do. Here’s why: I love people, I own a Toshiba computer, and I can do multiplication tables in my head up to 12 x 12. I have a website that is visited by literally dozens of people every day and I once made a contribution to talkingbaseball.net using the alias "Randy Kutcher."
I also enjoy working out on the StairMaster. Sometimes I think about shaving my chest, but I don’t see what that has to do with anything.
My schedule is clear from now until whenever because I am a senior in college and getting a real job scares me more than unprotected sex with Tommy Morrison. I’m sensitive and don’t take rejection well. Thanks for your time.
Sincerely,
Adam White
And then here's my resume:
Education
Great Salt Bay School, Kindergarten through eighth grade
When I graduated they game me some kind of art award. I also got detention once for bouncing the big rubber balls that special education students use for therapy.
Lincoln Academy, part of ninth grade
This one time in the locker room before gym class, Jeremy Robbins took off his shirt and he had a homemade tattoo of the Wu-Tang symbol but it was only half colored in because he had been bleeding too much to finish it.
Elite Prep School, then Ivy League
I haven't been getting enough hate mail recently.
Past Work Experience
South Bristol Fisherman's Co-op
I mended lobster crates and cleaned the bait shed, which is an activity that resides at the bottom of the List of Pleasant Things I Wanted to Do Before I Died. It was ranked slightly lower than "shaving Danny Devito's back hair."
Hockey School Counselor
I tackled a kid by accident and kind of gave him a concussion, but I told him if he ratted me out, Santa Claus would commit suicide, so he never said anything and I never got fired.
Other Jobs, Including Waiter, Coffee Bitch, and Guy Who Was Good at Getting Conan O'Brien's Fruit
Many valuable life experiences here.
Interests
Pretty much everything except tuna fish sandwiches.
________
I'm also available for motivational speeches and bar mitzvahs. So who wants to hire me? Think it over. I'll wait here.
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adam@theadamwhite.com |
