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For centuries Americans have wondered what was more likely - a woman getting elected President or a black person getting elected President. There have been a lot of jokes made about both of these scenarios. For example, Chris Rock had a standup routine that went something like this:
"You know when a black man will be President? Never."
There might have been some more to the joke but that was basically it and people of all races laughed when they heard it. But these days having a black president just doesn't seem so Ludacris. Four years ago everyone was talking about how if Colin Powell ran for President he would have a good shot at winning. But he didn't run for the office so the conversation got locked up until 2008 when we'll probably do it all over again.
In fact, it's conceivable (though not likely) that there could be a black person (Powell) running against a woman (Hillary Clinton) in the next election. This is sometimes referred to as "Hell freezing over" but now that the Red Sox have won the World Series it seems like anything is possible. And chances are, if those two ran against each other, one of them would win. If they're looking for an early leg up, they might start by finding Jesus and condemning homosexuality. This seems to work in most of the states south of Minnesota.
Of course, we could always just change the Constitution and allow that guy from California to be President. Sure, he's a hard-to-understand former steroids user/movie star/body builder from Austria who uses his most popular movie lines as political platforms. But at least he's a white male!
Is this how far we'll roam to make sure we don't let someone who isn't a white male become President? Eastern Europe?
Maybe it's time to find some new talent. This generation of Americans will be like the Brooklyn Dodgers of politics. But instead of Jackie Robinson, we'll have Barack Obama. Or we can find an Asian guy or something. My point is that there has to a fresh face somewhere out there who can do the job.
I can even break this down scientifically. Let's look at what would happen if women were in charge of the world vs. if men were in charge of the world. (And this is only going to be a scientific study of men vs. women and not whites vs. some other color because racial generalizations are pretty much completely off limits if you're white. Yet I'm allowed to make fun of women all I want. I can't explain it.)
Okay, there are some cons. If we had a female President, our country might start talking about other countries behind their backs. We would tell France that England wasn't as hot as she used to be and she never had good teeth to begin with and then France would tell England what we said because France can't keep her godamned mouth shut and then we wouldn't talk to England for a long time but then we would run into her in the UN bathroom and make up and agree that France was a lying slut.
Coalitions would be flimsy but easy to form: "I'm going to Iraq, wanna come?" "Right now?" "Yeah. Come on. I have to go." "But I don't have to go yet." "Well, don't make me go alone." "Is Japan going?" "We can get her to." "Okay. I'll go." "This will be fun. I promise."
But the thing is, if women were in charge, there probably wouldn't be any wars. And men, I know what you're thinking, women start fights all the time. It's true. They start relationship fights because we don't care about their feelings and they start fights amongst themselves because one of them is hotter than all the rest and sometimes they start fights just because it's that time of the month. But they're rarely physical confrontations. Physical is what men do. Somebody gets pizza grease on the television remote, we punch him in the shoulder and then he punches us back and then we wrestle for a while and then we sit on him and fart. And then we laugh and we're friends again.
This, on a worldly scale, is war. Afghanistan pisses us off so we bomb him for a few weeks and then we're cool again so we high five and offer to help him install a democratic government. A few years later, he might still think we're an asshole but whatever, he's not going to make a big deal out of it.
Women aren't going to drop bombs on each other. There would be trade embargos and Cold Wars and late night calls to China from sleepover parties in the Lincoln Bedroom, but nobody would get hurt. And that's important.
Well, just look at all of human history.
The problem is, even if we elect a female President, the rest of the world won't necessarily follow suit. (An actual quote from the Iranian Constitution: "Women are allowed to run for President only when... Hahahaha. Oh my Allah! Did you actually think they would be allowed to run for President under any circumstances? If you did you are stupider than Arat's mule. Women aren't even allowed to vote, you idiot!") So the question then becomes, can a woman leader make it in a man's world?
I say yes, so long as she doesn't try to do business with other countries on Sundays during football season.
I am a white male and for the record I want to say that we, as a collective unit, kick ass. It's just that we've kicked ass for so long that it might be time to give someone else a shot. Black, female, orange, orangutan - it doesn't matter to me so long as he/she/it is competent. Plus, I'd like to see Hell freeze over twice in one decade.
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