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I am writing this column in the shadow of a two-foot high moose menorah. Yes, my family has a menorah to celebrate what was once its Jewishness and this menorah is shaped like a moose. Nothing says, "We're Jewish and we're from Maine" like a moose menorah. And nothing says, "We're confused," like being Jewish but celebrating Christmas instead of Hanukkah.
But we're actually not confused. We know that we are Jewish by heritage (or in my case, 62.5% (I think) Jewish). We know that Hanukkah has eight nights and that it celebrates the freeing of some slaves who all saw their shadows or something. But we also know that Hanukkah can drag on a bit and the presents just aren't very fun. I mean, I like socks and novelty pencils as much as the next kid, but I'd rather have a new mountain bike. And that new mountain bike (or necklace or Lexus or oven), we have discovered, is the spirit of Christmas.
So we chose Christmas. This is not to say that Christmas is better than Hannukah. It just means that we prefer that our commercialism be packed into one exciting day. But we remember our heritage each night of hannukah by lighting a different antler prong on the moose menorah. This, along with the Willie Nelson Christmas CD, is one of my most cherished holiday traditions.
But there are some holiday traditions that I don't cherish. Like having everyone ask you what you want for Christmas. This is just a hard question to answer. I personally never know what I want. I'm at the point in my life now where if I really want something, I buy it. Unless it's too expensive. And if it's that expensive then I wouldn't want to ask someone else to get it for me.
Actually, the problem isn't so much that I don't want my friends and family to spend a lot of money on me - it's that I don't want to ask them to their face to spend a lot of money on me. This is why people invented gift registries. Gift registries are a good invention because you don't have to a) ask people for things to their face, and b) receive gifts like a breadmaker or a homemade scarf which you won't wear because you're not a scarf guy.
People who get married use gift registries. That is, after all, why people get married - to receive presents and tax breaks. (By the way, the major reason that so many people are opposed to same sex marriage has nothing to do with morals or the Bible. I was chatting with Reverend Jerry Falwell on Instant Messenger and he was like, "OMG. If our gay friends get married, I'll go bankrupt!!!! The bill at the Pottery Barn alone would totally kill me : ( ") So I'm going to steal the idea and make my own gift registry (that is, after all, why people like me make their own websites).
So this is my "Things I want for Christmas List:"
1. All summer long there was this really good CD playing in a Barnes & Noble on Union Square in New York. The lead singer kind of sounded like Thom York from Radiohead but not really. Anyway, it was a good CD and I would like somebody to buy it for me.
2. It always bugs me when people ask for "World Peace" for Christmas because it's arrogant to think that you of all people would get it and what are you expecting people to do, giftwrap it for you?
3. You're supposed to be more specific. Like don't just ask for World Peace. Ask for a safe and quick resolution (without the use of nuclear weapons) to the Kyoto conflict. If we, as Americans, don't shut up all these foreigners who keep complaining about clean air, things are going to get really annoying.
4. I would really like something homemade. Please knit me something. Or if you could write my name in needlepoint and frame it, that would be great. If you're a little kid, why don't you draw me a picture of your cat? That would be cute.
5. Number four was sarcastic.
6. A liftetime supply of protein shakes.
7. I'm not sure if this is within the realm of possibility, but I think it would be pretty cool to have Xzibit and the Pimp My Ride crew turn my Jetta into a replica of the Batmobile. The Jetta is already black so I figure they've already got a pretty good start.
8. Any Days of Thunder memorabilia you can find on ebay. Did they ever make a Dr. Claire Lewicki action figure? Probably not. But they should have. I think it's wrong to only make Cole Trickle dolls. I mean, what kind of message is that sending to children? You should aspire to be a race car driver who experiences life threatening head trauma? That's not a good message. Children need solid real-life role models. Like Dr. Claire Lewicki, the extremely hot brain surgeon (who, just for the record, was unavoidably way taller than Tom Cruise for the entire movie).
Anyway, that's the Christmas list. You might have noticed that it's eight items long. Kind of like Hanukkah.
Feel free to send me something.
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adam@theadamwhite.com |
