previous column next column back to archives
It took me until the winter term of my senior year in college, but I finally attended an art opening. And I not only attended, but I also helped make it happen. And to top it all off, there was wine and like six different kinds of cheeses and chips with organic salsa. I'm not sure if attending one opening can make someone into A Guy Who Appreciates That Kind of Stuff, but for Saturday night, I could pretend.
The art opening was in Dartmouth College's student center and it was an exhibition of pictures taken by my friend, Heiny. The pictures are of his travels in Europe, the Pacific Northwest, and Greece during the 2004 Summer Olympics. When asked what his theme is, Heiny says, "Why do I need a theme?" and it's a good question because themes are hard to think about and usually just confusing. Themes are for people who go to art openings all the time and can tell the difference between merlot and Beaujolais.
We are not those people. But if I had to pick a theme for Heiny's art it would be "beautiful pictures of places I've been at sunrise or sunset or sometime in between." The photos have names like "The Sun Is Shining on Eldorado Peak" and "Colorful Waterfront." They are really pretty awesome. You can check out all his pictures at heinemanphotos.com and you should buy one or two or all of them because all his profits go to an orphanage in Bangladesh, which I'm assuming got hit by the tsunami.
As I stated before, I helped to make the opening come to life. Or at least I helped make it arrive on time. I was the assistant picture hanger, which Heiny tells me is a very important job that nobody else could do and if it weren't for me, all the frames would be hanging lopsided at waist height. I don't know if I was really the only person that could have done the job, but I was apparently the only sucker who fell for Heiny's kicked-puppy telephone voice. He talks on the phone as if his pet goldfish has just died, and this tone only gets amplified when he's about to ask for a favor. If my cell phone hadn't shown, "HEINY," as the caller, I would have assumed I was talking to a distressed orphan in Bangladesh who had lost his straw mattress to a very large wave.
My first job as assistant picture hanger was to make sure that all the frames on one long wall were hung symmetrically with even spacing. I was qualified for this job because I had taken math in high school and Heiny had given me a twelve-foot tape measurer, a pencil, a large calculator, and a sheet of paper. There were nine pictures from the Olympics that needed to be hung: one small vertical photo, six small horizontals, and two large horizontals. No problem. I could figure it out.
I made some preliminary calculations that came out way wrong but then I fixed them and I was ready to hang pictures. Then Heiny came around the corner holding another photo and said, "You're going to kill me." So now we had two small verticals. I said it wasn't a big deal but then I picked up my pencil and tried to stab Heiny in the heart. He was able to move out of the way so I said I was just joking and went back to the calculator.
There were other minor setbacks (like finding a final large vertical Olympics picture that needed to be sandwiched in between the two small verticals) but Heiny, with the help of a team of friends and family, managed to have everything ready about a half hour before the opening. The opening was a big hit and a lot of us even put on a collared shirt and a tie. Most of us had forgotten belts and there were sneakers below the khakis, but whatever. We were sipping wine and eating cheese that wasn't Kraft Singles. Some of the more adventurous among us even talked about the art.
"I like that one."
"Yeah. That one's cool."
"The lighting is, um, pretty."
"Pretty?"
"Well, sick. I meant sick."
This seemed to be the general consensus among our crowd: the lighting was "sick" and Heiny was "pretty nasty" at photography.
Nobody enjoyed this foray into the art world more than Heiny. After the event had been cleaned up and the celebratory dinner had been finished, Heiny decided to continue wearing his suit for the rest of the evening. He thought that people (girls in particular) would ask him why he was wearing a suit and then he could tell them about his pictures. For one night on campus, he could be The Guy Who Had the Art Opening. For the rest of us, we could be Those Guys That Go to Art Openings.
And I think this column officially makes me A Guy Who Is An Art Critic. Right?
previous column next column back to archives
adam@theadamwhite.com |
