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Last week I unveiled a new football prediction process using mascots. The basic idea is that the most effective way to evaluate football matchups is to imagine what would happen if the team mascots fought each other to the death, taking into account factors such as weather, home field advantage, and Magic: The Gathering points. I also said that if my predictions for the Wildcard round of the NFL playoffs were accurate, I would pick again this week. So let's look at the predicted results:
Rams 31, Seahawks 34
Vikings 45, Packers 10
Jets 27, Chargers 23
Broncos 88, Colts 79
And the actual results:
Rams 27, Seahawks 20
Vikings 31, Packers 17
Jets 20, Chargers 17
Broncos 24, Colts 49
At first glance, it may look like I was way off on two out of four of the games. But you have to remember that my two wins were both upsets, which are worth double. You also have to factor in the fact that I was clearly kidding about the Broncos-Colts game (come on, look at the score. I was joking). That leaves us with one loss, the Rams-Seahawks game. I'll admit that I blew that one. You probably remember that I did some research and discovered that a Seahawk is actually a "a severed angry gull head with stripes instead of a body." Well, guess what, you need a body to have hands and you need hands to catch a football, especially when there are zero seconds on the clock and your name is Bobby Engram and you're in the end zone, representing the game-tying touchdown.
So if you multiply my two upset victories by two and add on the Colts win because I was joking, I went 5-1 in the four games. I know that's not perfect but I still think it justifies another column.
On to the picks for the Divisional round...
New York Jets vs. Pittsburgh Steelers
Jets are big aluminum flying machines that have magical powers that make them immune to stuff like gravity. It sounds like they would win against almost anything else in the universe.
But steelers, according to my dad's explanation when I was five years old, are people who steel stuff from stores. (He also told me that San Diego's team was named the Chargers because they always used their credit cards, but that's obviously not true.) Just to make sure that my dad wasn't lying about the Steelers too, I looked up "steeler" on dictionary.com and found out that a steeler is "one who points, edges, or covers with steel." So now I'm all confused because I can't fathom that there are enough people out there in the world who use a piece of steel to point at stuff to warrant the invention of a new word. I mean, how many times have you picked up a piece of steel and pointed at something? I'm guessing less than three times in your entire life. It's a very rare event, kind of like a bat mitzvah. But I'm almost positive that "batmitzvahers" is not a word.
So the question is, could the Steelers cover the Jets with enough steel to make the jet really heavy so that it uses up too much fuel and crashes in an Amish village in Southeast Pennsylvania? I say yes, because they're at home.
Prediction: Jets 17, Steelers 24
Indianapolis Colts vs. New England Patriots
Right now there is nothing cooler in the United States than being a patriot. If you're a patriot, you get to put a "Support Our Troops" ribbon magnet on your Dodge Durango and wear wrap-around sunglasses. You can also get a tattoo of an eagle perched upon the barbwire tattoo you already have on your biceps. Life is good. You're tougher than everyone.
The Colts might try to say, "Hey, we're patriotic, too!" but then the Patriots can be like, "Well, why didn't you name yourself the Patriots if you're so patriotic?" and the Colts will have nothing to say and the Patriots will win.
Prediction: Colts 27, Patriots 30
Minnesota Vikings vs. Philadelphia Eagles
I am terrified of eagles. If you placed me in one end of a hallway, and placed an eagle in the other end, and told us to run as fast as we could and then headbutt each other, I think the eagle would win every time. And not only does an eagle have a hard head, but it also has a beak and talons that can claw at your flesh like a million very sharp pencils.
But I am not a Viking. Vikings have swords and shields and helmets with antlers and they're extra tough because they're from Minnesota - home of Bob Dylan, Jesse Ventura, and ice-fishing. Vikings also have names like Agnus von Agnusson, which is something that eagles find confusing. Therefore, a Viking would usually win if he was trying to headbutt an eagle to death in the middle of a hallway. However, these Minnesota Vikings aren't normal Vikings because Randy Moss is limping and insane.
Prediction: Vikings 20, Eagles 31
St. Louis Rams vs. Atlanta Falcons
If the four AFC teams fought the four NFC teams in a steel cage, the AFC would kill the NFC in like seven seconds. But that's not how the playoffs work, so I have to actually devote space in my very important column to a game between two teams as bad as the Rams and Falcons. God. I could be advertising here.
Rams can't fly and falcons can, so I guess the Falcons can just dive-bomb the Rams until they bleed to death. The Falcons will also benefit because this game will be played in Atlanta, which means there's a good chance that an Atlanta gang will fire bullets into the Rams team bus because they will mistake it for a rival gang's bus. That would also make the Rams bleed to death.
Prediction: Rams 21, Falcons 24
It should be an interesting weekend full of football. I plan to watch it all while sitting on my couch, eating a pizza off my chest without using any hands. Keeps the remote less greasy.
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