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This summer while interning for Late Night with Conan O’Brien in New York, I was sent to drop off a tape for The View. I welcomed this opportunity because it meant that for a few hours I wouldn’t have to sprint back and forth between our offices and Starbucks, trying to remember if the latte I was getting was supposed to be skinny or soy. I was also excited about going to The View because I had always assumed that they taped it on a different planet, and now that I knew that this other planet actually existed somewhere in the Upper East Side, I wanted to explore the neighborhood and maybe plant an American flag somewhere.
So I took the subway to The View and I dropped off the tape. I happened to arrive just after a taping had ended and the audience was filing out as I walked through the glass doors. I was hoping to see Star Jones but the only life forms I encountered were a few hundred middle-aged women along with two or three men on vacation from Iowa who were too embarrassed to make eye contact.
None of this would be important if I hadn’t been approached by several young women on my way out asking if I wanted free tickets to The Tony Danza Show. I assumed this was a joke, so I laughed and never thought about The Tony Danza Show again.
Until two nights ago. As it turns out, The Tony Danza Show is a real thing, not just the funniest concept ever. It’s as real as Oprah or Dr. Phil and it’s on (at least in my neck of the woods) at one a.m. on channel five. I have watched the show the last two nights (the first time by accident) and both times it has absolutely blown my mind.
Here are ten things you should know about The Tony Danza Show:
1) It’s real. I know I already said this, but I can’t stress it enough. I am not lying about The Tony Danza Show. It is real. Tony Danza, the former star of Who’s the Boss? and Angels in the Outfield has his own talk show. He also, as I've discovered in the past couple days, has a sexual move named after him but it is too rude for me to describe. I will say that it ends, predictably, with Tony Danza standing over a thoroughly abused woman and asking her who the boss is.
About five years ago I made a list of the top 1,000 things that were least likely to happen in my lifetime. This was the top 5:
5. The Red Sox winning a World Series.
4. Arnold Schwarzenegger becoming governor of California and then pushing for a constitutional amendment to make Austrian power lifters/actors eligible to become president of the United States of America.
3. Alf making a comeback as a pitchman for a phone company.
2. The Internet.
1. Tony Danza having his own talk show.
But it ALL HAPPENED. This is why I’ve decided not to become a prophet or a gypsy or a Ouija board.
2) The audience that leaves The View goes directly to The Tony Danza Show. Tony’s seats are filled by 184 women, two men, one man with a fanny pack, and three people that resist all attempts to be classified with one gender or the other.
3) The theme song and introductory photo montage of Tony is laugh-out-loud hilarious. I've decided to make one of these for myself and copy it on to CDs. I’ll pass it out to people instead of a business card. All I need is a little light saxophone music and a few pictures of me a) smiling while wearing a sport coat, b) smiling while holding on to the sport coat as it rests on my shoulder, and c) looking serious while wearing a turtleneck sweater.
4) Instead of coming onto the set from a door or a curtain, Tony sits in the crowd until they call his name, at which point he acts surprised that they said his name, and then acts like he was just joking about being surprised. Also, everyone near him is supposed to act surprised that he was in their ranks all along. As far as I can tell, he does this every show.
How pathetic is this? You know the part in Happy Gilmore when Shooter McGavin is introduced at the local tournament and he keeps his back to the audience until his name is called? Tony’s intro is way, way more pathetic.
5) Tony’s announcer, or “second banana” as Tony calls her, is Ereka Vetrini, who you might remember from her memorable roll on The Apprentice. Ereka’s job is to introduce Tony and then talk about her new hair style. She is also supposed to laugh when Tony makes a joke, which happens once or twice per show.
6) Tony’s monologue is not a traditional monologue. Instead of covering current events or cracking jokes, Tony talks about whatever he did the night before. Like, two nights ago he discussed his trip to the Rainbow Room where he “rubbed elbows” with big timers like Somebody I’ve Never Heard of Before and Another Person I’ve Never Heard of Before and the two casting directors for The Sopranos. I mean, the show is so sad sometimes it makes you heart ache. It’s like those Monster.com commercials – the ones where somebody introduces his or her self and then politely says that you can find them on Monster. If you were an employer, could you imagine having to say No to these people? It would be worse than walking by a puppy in a pet store. Unemployed people are so cute. Tony Danza's cute too.
7) Tony’s guests, for the most part, are former Who’s the Boss? cast members or his son, who teaches him how to cook. However, I’ve heard from a reliable source that Judith Light’s recent appearance on the show was a milestone in that she was the final Who's the Boss? cast member. We’re not sure if this means The Tony Danza Show has to go off the air or just branch out to the extras from Garbage Picking Field Goal Kicking Philadelphia Phenomenon. Let’s hope for the latter. By the way, my reliable source also had this to say about the show: “I'd urge you to find a copy of the first episode (in which Tony and Liza Manneli tearfully tapdance to 'New York, New York') if I wasn't certain the producers had already destroyed them.)” I’m not sure if “them” is in reference to tapes of the first episode or Tony Danza and Liza Manelli. I’m picturing a human bonfire right now so if anyone can clarify, please help me out.
8) Instead of having women in bathing suits introduce props (a la Bob Barker’s girls on Price is Right), Tony employs two strapping young men in designer jeans and wife beaters. Did I miss something? Is Tony Danza openly gay now? I know he has kids, but we've seen this career pattern before. Look at Rosie O’Donnell. Kids, Marriage, Struggling Career, Talk Show, Tap Dancing, Show Tunes, A Flock of Seagulls Haircut. I think we should keep an eye on this potentially intriguing plotline.
9) There is a segment of the show, a game, called Extravadanza! I would go into the details of this bit, but I would start crying again.
10) In my opinion, the most shocking part about the show is that this is not the first time somebody has okayed a show called The Tony Danza Show. This has happened before! It was a sitcom! How does one Tony Danza get TWO shows? And why do people name their shows after themselves? It’s a greater act of vanity than naming a website after yourself.
We might never know how Tony Danza got his own show on two separate occasions. But here’s what I do know: Tonight, at one a.m., I will be watching The Tony Danza Show. I will be laughing sometimes (at Tony), feeling sad sometimes (for Tony), but mostly I will be wondering what I have to do to get The Adam White Show on the air.
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