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George W. Bush did not waste much time preparing for his second term in office. He could have taken several weeks vacation to soak up the lingering spray of celebratory champagne, but instead he went home to his ranch in Crawford, Texas, shot some stuff, and then returned to Washington to meet with his cabinet members. Bush presumably thanked them for helping him through a difficult first term and then told them to start thinking about next season. After all, this is the reality of the modern era of politics: not all of Bush’s cabinet members, aides, and staff will return for the second term. Nobody likes to see them leave, but loyalties have all but gone out the window since free agency was introduced to the Washington Slow Pitch Softball League (WSPSL).
With 51% of the American people showing their overwhelming lukewarm support for him, Bush has free reign to concentrate on agendas that were overshadowed in the first term by things like “foreign" and "domestic" policy. So instead of worrying about Iraqistan, Bush can devote more time to replacing departed free agents like shortstop John Ashcroft and first baseman Don Evans.
Bush, like many social conservatives, does not want to see the “Other Team” gain any ground during this off-season. The Other Team, which plays its home games in San Francisco, has scored several key victories over the White House in the past few years. This infuriates Bush just as much as the Red Sox World Series win riles George Steinbrenner. Bush is determined to sign the best players on the market, no matter what the price. However, many WSPSL analysts argue that Bush can’t buy the outrageously fabulous team chemistry that has been the cornerstone of the Other Team's recent success. The Other Team plays as a cohesive unit whether they’re on the field, in the shower, or out on the town in the West Village. They are a veritable civil union of talent and desire. The Other Team also has a lineup full of switch hitters, which gives their manager plenty of options off the bench. The White House, meanwhile, refuses to sign any left handers.
So how do you beat the Other Team? You start preparing now. Here’s a preview of the 2005 White House team, position by position.
All-Time Pitcher: George W. Bush, President. Baseball is in the Bush blood. W’s father, H.W., was the captain of a Yale baseball team that played in the College World Series. This torch of baseball talent was passed on to W, who once got a single in a Little League game. W then moved on to the Majors, buying the Texas Rangers and occasionally wearing a blue Rangers jacket.
Now he’s determined to lead the White House to another WSPSL championship. He would play a real position, but Dick Cheney won’t let him hit because he sucks at hitting. So he’s all-time pitcher, which in a slow pitch league, is one step above bat boy.
Catcher: Dick Cheney, Vice President. Cheney is the fiery leader of the squad. Like many aging catchers, he’s had his health problems, but management just signed him to a new four-year deal worth a few billion dollars in Haliburton stock. He also has several potentially lucrative incentives built into his contract. If he wins an MVP award, he gets twenty million dollars. And if he makes it through four years without dying, Haliburton gets to take over the small Middle Eastern nation of its choice.
First Base: Mercer Reynolds, Secretary of Commerce. There’s no guarantee that Bush will be able to sign Reynolds as the heir apparent at first base to resigned Secretary of Commerce Don Evans. “Donny Baseball” was going to retire but took a pay cut to be in Texas where he can be close to family. Evans will certainly be difficult to replace, but Reynolds seems like a good fit on Bush’s squad. Reynolds helped Bush own the Texas Rangers and he also raised about 260 million dollars for Bush’s 2004 campaign. Reports from the White House's spring training home in Florida say that Reynolds might be willing to sign for less than market value because he's already very rich.
Second Base: Donald Rumsfeld, Secretary of Defense. Rumsfeld was acquired mostly for his defense, but he turned out to be remarkably aggressive at the plate. He put up big numbers in 2003, hitting eighteen home runs, driving in 79 runs, and invading eight countries. Still, Bush might look to trade Rumsfeld later in the season for someone with a little more patience at the plate.
Third Base: Karl Rove, Senior Political Adviser. Rove broke into the league as a shortstop but he was moved to the hot corner after he grew his fourth chin and his fielding range decreased dramatically. Bush likes Rove because he hits the ball hard and he’s tremendously upbeat. A lot of times Bush will be like, “Rover, I can’t believe we’re losing.” And Rover will be like, “We’re not losing.” This type of infectious naivety really rubs off on his teammates. Also, it’s good to have Rover on the team because he can remind the president that a) he’s supposed to go out to the mound, and b) he should bring his glove.
Shortstop: Alberto Gonzales, Attorney General. After a tremendous season in triple-A, the former White House counsel is ready to make the jump to the Big Leagues. Bush doesn’t know anything about him except that he’s from the Dominican or Cuba or something and those people are usually good at baseball.
Left field: Alphonso Jackson, Secretary of Housing. Before joining the White House squad Alphonso was the president of American Electric Power – TEXAS, a $13 billion utility company. This obviously makes him qualified to be the Secretary of Housing. But what makes him qualified to be the team’s starting left fielder is his first name, which is spelled incorrectly. A lot of good athletes spell their names incorrectly. Think about Chone (pronounced Shawn) Figgins of the Anaheim Angels or Shaq (pronounced Shack) O’Neal of the Miami Heat.
Center field: Condoleeza Rice, National Security Adviser. Rice will once again be relied on to cover a lot of ground in center field and hit cleanup for the White House. The front office only wishes that she would be more of a “clubhouse positive.” She has often been referred to as the Carl Everett of the WSPSL, yelling at her teammates to get their game up, leaving bottles of dip spit everywhere, and refusing to believe that dinosaurs existed. If she can bottle up her rage, this could be a career year for Rice, which would allow Bush to trade Ashcroft and perhaps move Deputy Secretary of Defense Paul Wolfowitz to second base.
However, rumors that Rice is not happy with the Washington media have been leaking out of the White House dugout. Rice may want to head back to California, in which case the White House might try to trade her for prospects, preferably of the black and female variety.
Right Field: Elaine Chao, Secretary of Labor. Chao had an unproductive 2004 campaign but she will most likely continue to start in right field because Bush will most likely continue to mistake her for Ichiro.
As for the White House's non-starters...
Former starting outielder Colin Powell has been placed on waivers and will definitely be in a different uniform next year. Powell had grown increasingly tired of the Bush's efforts to mitigate him to a secondary role, and the designated hitter position never suited Powell's personality. Look for Bush to try to replace him with highly regarded young gun, John Danforth, the U.S. ambassador to the United Nations.
Bush will undoutedly take full advantage of the free agent signing period to hire all the parts necessary to make another championship run in 2005. The White House team will certainly continue to lead the league in offense, eschewing "small ball" for home runs.
Because chicks dig the long ball. It's much sexier than "spreading democracy."
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