previous column next column back to archives
Sometime this week, AdamWhitesColumn.com will receive its 2000th visitor and this lucky person will win a free set of steak knives and an autographed picture of Bruce Jenner, an Olympic gold medallist in 1976. So keep checking back on the site. If confetti starts flying out of your computer monitor, you're the big winner!
Normally when discussing numbers like 2000, I use the word "astronomical," but you have to remember that multiple visits by the same person have pumped up the guest count somewhat. For example, you should probably subtract the 987 times that my mom has visited the site just in case I've posted something new in the last three minutes. Then you should subtract the 821 times that I've visited the site after receiving an email like this one:
"Hey, Adam. Moderately funny article today. But you misspelled 'weird' again. Might want to fix that."
When I receive an email like this I immediately fire back a response accusing the offending party of fraudulent research. Then I visit my site and realize that I have once again misspelled weird. So I change it. This is a frustrating process, but it does inflate my stats to some degree, which is a good thing.
Stat inflation or no stat inflation, when you get your 2000th visitor, a man in a minivan drives to your house and comes to your door with balloons and an oversized check. The check isn't actually worth any money, but it does certify that the owner of the check has officially reached "Superstar Status" on the fame-o-meter. At least this is what I've heard.
But here's the thing: I'm not sure if I can really handle Superstar Status. I mean, this whole "being famous" thing is already a little out of control. At least once a month, I get an email from somebody whom I've never met, telling me that they stumbled across one of my articles on a conservative Internet news forum. Apparently somebody did a google search for "liberal + sissies + yogurt," found Part One of my Unburning Briges column, and posted it on FreeRepublic.com. (<-- Yes, that's a link but don't click on it.) Now I have to deal with emails from pilots in El Paso named Hank who want to chastise me for suggesting that we actually try to befriend the enemy. Also, they want to point out that I made a typo near the bottom of the second paragraph.
But the inundation of emails is only a minor annoyance. I'm more worried about my friends. Ever since I've begun to approach Superstar Status, it's obvious that they don't see me in the same light. They act differently around me now because they're always trying to do something worthy of getting their name published on AdamWhitesColumn.com. I mean, why can't they just be happy that I let them roll in my posse? I wrote about my friend, Heiny, totaling my car, and now EVERYBODY wants to total my car. The Jetta is not very happy about this and has taken to stalling at every traffic light in order to make a point.
Some friends think that the best way to make it into the column is through wit. This was apparent during the election, which I watched with my friend Ben. I told him I was going to take notes during the election and he immediately lit up like he wanted to say something funny.
"But I'm not taking notes yet," I said. "At least wait until I have my laptop out."
About an hour later, I was booting up the laptop. Ben leaned over my shoulder.
"Are you taking notes yet?" he asked. "Sure."
So Ben told a joke, which I had already heard eight times. For some reason he thought the ninth unsuccessful retelling of the same joke would warrant a mention in one of my columns. I'm not going to reprint the entire joke because then he would win or something (and to some degree, I think he already has) but the punch line is "Look, Ma. No Hans." That should tell you all you need to know about Ben's sense of humor.
Even moments of spontaneous fun are ruined by my ever-present borderline Superstar Status. I'll be having a good time at lunch with my buddies and everyone will be laughing and the jokes are just rolling and each one is funnier than the last and then somebody will say, "Hey, Adam. This is funny. You should put it in your column." Of course, nothing ruins a funny moment quicker than drawing attention to the fact that everyone is sharing a funny moment. It's like sitting next to the pitcher in the dugout during a no-hitter.
I have to endure similar references to my column whenever I get pissed off at something. Nobody takes me seriously anymore. Like, the other day I was in the process of squirting a seventh packet of ketchup onto a plate in order to get enough ketchup to adequately dress a dozen French fries. Naturally, I vented my frustration to a friend. The friend, instead of sharing and encouraging my rage, told me that I should write about it. What are you, my therapist? It's like I can't talk to anybody anymore because the fact that I'm ridiculously famous is creating this wall or something. God, I just want to be a regular person again.
And as everyone knows, with fame comes ludicrous allegations of wrongdoing. Everyone thinks that it's impossible for a writer (i.e. me) to be so consistently mediocre. They think I must have a team of elves writing my columns. Or worse, they think I'm using performance enhancers. They don't say this out loud, but I can see it in their eyes when they walk by me and pretend not to recognize me. Well, let me say this: I have never taken steroids or partaken in blood-doping and I don't use study drugs because they make your nose feel gross.
Look, it's not that your unsolicited advice isn't welcome. Here's a real email I received from Jamie in Connecticut:
"Hey Adam, I'm an avid fan. I was wondering if you were ever going to
write a column about midgets or circus clowns, and how cool they are?"
No. Or at lest it's highly doubtful. But that doesn't mean you can't keep sending in your suggestions. The fact is, I'm lonely. The majority of the emails I get are actually from people that were looking for a Star Wars chat room and got lost.
So don't think I'm going to let a silly number (even if it's in a big one like 2000) give me a big head. I will always stay true to my people. And here's evidence that I really am happy to listen to ideas for columns:
I was enjoying a moment with some friends the other day and then somebody said i should write a column about the moment so I started complaining about the fact that somebody ALWAYS says "You should write about this."
They told me I should write about it.
So I did.
previous column next column back to archives
adam@theadamwhite.com |
