previous column next column back to archives
Don't even bother voting tomorrow. It's worthless. Because I have decided to vote. And, well, my vote is going to be the one that matters. This is what both candidates, MTV, Comedy Central, and Green Day have been telling me. They've been saying that I should show up to the polls and rock the vote because one vote makes all the difference. So I'm going to do it. I'm going to be the deciding factor because I can't resist the temptation of power.
You: I don't believe you.
Me: Oh believe me. I can't resist.
You: No, I believe you about that. I don't believe you that the balance of the election rests on top of your puny little head.
(silence)
Me: I don't believe you.
You: Good comeback.
Okay, fine. I'll show you how I came to this conclusion. You won't be able to argue with science. Also, if you do try to argue, I'm going to put my fingers in my ears and yell at the top of my lungs so I can't hear you, which means that you forfeit the argument, which means that I win.
When you're trying to handicap an election, the first thing you have to do is look at the polls. Polls are important because they tell you how many people are interested in responding to the polls, which is monumentally significant to pollsters because it reassures them that they will have a job four years from now. The most recent Newsweek/USAToday/NASA/AdamWhitesColumn.com Poll looks like this:
Bush: 11-19%
Kerry: 11-19%
Lawyers: 20-45%
Voting Machines: 24-59%
Margin of Error: Indeterminate
So as you can see, there's a very good chance that the big winner on November 2nd will be a) all the lawyers that stand to make millions of dollars when they arbitrarily sue each other on behalf of the Republicans or the Democrats or both, or b) the converted ATM machines that are serving as ballot-takers and have collectively decided to charge five dollars for each vote (or one thousand dollars in some minority-dominated sections of Florida.)
Another thing you can learn from our poll is that when all the voters are categorized and counted, there's a very good chance that all the percentages won't add up to one hundred. This is a good sign for President Bush, who recently told a classful of Iowa second graders, "Math sucks and it's stupid that percentages are supposed to add up to one hundred anyway."
But that's just the popular vote. Winning the popular vote is actually a bad thing. It's like winning "most popular" as a senior superlative in high school. Sure, this might mean you're good at football and everyone likes you, but you'd rather win the "most likely to succeed award" because then you are guaranteed success in life. Look at Al Gore. He won the "most popular" award and then dropped off the face of the planet, grew a beard, came back as a radical, and nobody cares. He's like the quarterback that blows out his knee senior year, knocks up his girlfriend, becomes an alcoholic, and whines to all the other barflys about how close he was to the big time. Meanwhile, the guy who was on the cheerleading squad is getting all the women and getting to wear flight suits on aircraft carriers. Go figure.
In other words, the popular vote is garbage. You have to look at this country state by state. So here's a quick romp through the battleground states. (Author's note: this "romp" may not be accurate or scientific, but at least I'm not blatantly lying in an effort to get my candidate elected and I think that should count for something.) (Author's note #2: there should be some way, when you're writing, to indicate one of those under-your-breath-coughs where you say somebody's name out loud. You know, like you're in a room and sombody farted and you know who it was so you cough and say, "Larry," hoping that everyone but Larry will hear you. From now on, I think I'll write the cough thing like this: couLARRYgh. <-- Look. It's a Larry in a cough. Why do I bring this up? Because when I was talking about blatantly lying, I wanted to say couFOXgh but I didn't know how to do it.)
Anyway, to the states...
Hawaii: This state has surprisingly come into play of late. Unfortunately, because of the time difference, nobody is willing to wait for Hawaiians to cast all their votes. So, Hawaii, you get a green participation ribbon but we really don't care who you vote for.
Wisconsin: All of Wisconsin's electoral votes have been removed as punishment for smelling like cow poop.
Iowa: "Is this heaven?"
"No, it's Iowa."
Those words, spoken by Kevin Costner in Field of Dreams, must have been extremely disappointing.
And that's why Bush will win Iowa.
But Iowa will be canceled out by...
Ohio: Kerry wins Ohio because I gave Iowa to Bush and fair is fair.
Pennsylvania: Shouldn't it be obvious by now that I'm not going to admit that any of these states matter?
Florida: A lot of electoral votes at stake here. Unfortunately, there will be no vote in Florida because a civil war is going to break out when the Jewish senior citizens accuse the black youths of stealing their Oldsmobiles so that the Jews can't vote. All the voting booths will be set on fire, making it impossible for a single vote to be counted. But one network will boldly declare a winner based on "a pretty darn good hunch."
couFOXgh
And that leaves us with the one state that matters...
New Hampshire: Rickey Henderson was once asked if he believed that fifty percent of Major League Baseball players used steroids. "Well," he said, "Rickey don't use steroids so that's forty-nine percent right there."
Well put, Rickey.
According to most polls, New Hampshire is definitely a Bush state or definitely a Kerry state or definitely a toss-up. So basically, one percentage point could make or break this state. Guess what: I'm voting in New Hampshire this year. So whomever I vote for will, by Rickey's logic, gain one percentage point. Here's the problem though. I'm one of those infamous "undecided" voters. There are seven of us left in the country. I know what you're thinking:
You: What the hell?
Me: What the hell what the hell?
You: How can you still be undecided?
Me: Easily.
You: You must be an incredibly indecisive person.
Me: Shut up. You're indecisive.
You: Another terrible comeback that doesn't even come close to making sense.I know who's getting my vote. I don't understand how you could watch months and months of this race and not know whom you like one day before the election.
Me: Are you sure it's "whom you like" and not "who you like?"
You: Yes.
Me: Well, whatever. I know whom I like.
You: So vote for him.
Me: No.
See, if I've learned one thing by watching a lot of CNN over the past few months, it's that the words "undecided" and "voter" are always preceded by adjectives like "coveted," "sought after," and "sexy." And when a guy named Wolf Blitzer calls someone sexy, I listen. So I decided I wanted to be undecided.
To members of the two camps, I say, Bring it on. Win me over. Buy me a car or something. My vote goes out to the highest bidder. I'll accept cash, an island, a living room set, or a gift certificate for ten massage with happy ending. I will not accept a PT Cruiser or a lifetime supply of McDonald's Chicken Selects. (I think I've already stated my hatred for the Chicken Selects guy, and besides, Jared from Subway told me that they were unhealthy.) I'm not looking for a fortune. Just something to show that you care.
So my prediction for 2004's presidential election? I'll tell you tomorrow.
couKERRYgh
previous column next column back to archives
adam@theadamwhite.com |
