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If my fraternity were your child, you would probably be scratching your head a lot and wondering where you went wrong as a parent. We would be the kind of child that was selfish and bullied other students at school and didn't like to bathe. But you would be very, very proud of the child when he did something right. You would brag to all your friends because you so rarely got to do it and you would be tired of hearing about all their honor roll student-athlete kids and after thousands of dollars spent on a child therapist, you would deserve to brag.
Well, guess what. My fraternity just did something that we're all very proud of so I get to brag about it. Nobody's really sure where the impetus for our Tsunami Relief Fund Party came from, but all of a sudden it was there and on Saturday afternoon we decided that our International Cocktails Party should also be a party where people made donations to a good cause, which would usually mean beer, but in this instance, it meant houses and food and stuff for victims of the Tsunami in Southeast Asia.
It all seemed like a great idea and everyone had fun and we raised 1200 dollars. Then we found out that we had violated New Hampshire law. Seriously. You're not allowed to have alcohol at fund-raisers. It's a little known law, but it exists, right between the anti-sodomy law and the anti-oral sex law (both of which are also real New Hampshire legislation). But apparently there's a loop-hole for drunk alums who drink a half-keg of college-provided beer and then write a check to the school for ten thousand dollars (wink). So basically I need to be careful with the rest of this column because anything I write could potentially be held against me in a court of law.
I got to be the jug holder. The jug was an empty water jug where all the money would go. Later in the night I would discover that the jug was good for collecting money but it was even better as a weapon against people who didn't contribute very much. There's really nothing more gratifying than intimidating people for a good cause. This must be how telemarketers justify calling people during dinner. If there's a good reason that you're asking for money (like you're doing cancer research or selling products made by blind people or alerting people to possible savings by switching long distance carriers) than it's okay to do pretty much whatever you want. During the party kids weren't even getting mad when I slammed them in the back of the head with the water jug because they knew that I was just trying to get their attention so that they could contribute to a great cause. And if they didn't become at least a bronze member ($5) of the campaign, they understood when they slammed them in the head a second time. (Note to New Hampshire police: none of the previous paragraph is true. It's all stuff I made up.)
Over the course of the night we raised almost $1200, plus $10.25 Canadian, five euros, a Boston T medallion, and a plastic peace sign. Thanks to all those who contributed American money, and a special thanks to those that were considerate enough to provide spending money for an Indonesian victim when they go on vacation to Vancouver or Frankfurt. And if they ever come to Boston, Hey, free subway ride! The peace sign is also a good gift because it sends the message that tsunami victims don't have to worry about being bombed by the American military anytime soon. At least until after they've cleaned themselves up a bit. We tried attacking Afghanistan when they were still reeling from decades of war and it was kind of boring. The plastic peace sign also serves as an apology because if we weren't busy democratizing Iraq for $250 million a day, we could probably donate more than $350 million to the relief effort. That's ironic!
If I had to estimate, I'd say 77% of the total contributions came from male students. To be fair, all our fraternity brothers made donations, so that skewed the numbers a bit. But the real problem here is that women don't carry wallets. This is one of those irrational things women do, or rather don't do, like using a tray in dining hall. A female will carry eight different plates, a 32 oz. cup of Diet Coke, and a towering cone of frozen yogurt, but putting it all on a tray would make it all look premeditated or something. Wallets are off limits too because a woman thinks that having a wallet in her back pocket would make her look fat if she wore tight pants. Well, relax, ladies, guys don't think you look fat when you have a wallet in your pocket. We think you have a butt tumor. So just suck it up and carry a wallet with you just in case somebody hits you with a water jug full of change and demands your money.
I recommend that everyone throw a party like this, even if you don't have a fraternity in which to throw it. It brings out the best in people. Like after some of our younger brothers realized that they had free license to yell at people instead of just getting yelled at, they took pleasure in grabbing fistfuls of shirt and screaming "TSU-NA-MI!" in order to turn a bronze contributor into a silver or gold contributor. It was like a bunch of middle school nerds had suddenly been given the right to steal lunch money from fifth graders.
All the lunch money we took on Saturday night is going to Mercy Corps, a charitable organization that gives 91% of its resources directly to the cause. I hear that's good. If you want to check out their website and make a contribution of your own, check it out at mercycorps.org.
Help out however you can. Throw your own party. Just don't do it in New Hampshire.
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