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This year I was asked to participate in an NFL prediction pool, and to nobody's surprise, I am winning. All year long people have been coming up to me and they've been like, "Adam, how good are you at predicting who will win football games?" And I'm like, "Very good." And then they're like, "How do you do it?" But I'm like, "Shhhhh. It's a secret."
Until now. Since it's playoff time and I already have a virtually insurmountable six game lead in the NFL prediction pool standings, I'm going to divulge my secret and it's only going to cost you $499.99 to read this column. Don't worry, it's already been charged to your credit card.
So basically, the way to predict winners is to forget about the players and coaches and statistics and just look at the mascots. For example, if a Trojan from the University of Southern California were to fight a Sooner from Oklahoma, the Trojan would kill the Sooner because a "sooner" isn't even a thing. It's like an adverb or something. So the Trojan would kill it with a spear, which is a noun. If you watched the Orange Bowl, it should be pretty obvious that my system is 100% effective.
On to the picks...
St. Louis Rams vs. Seattle Seahawks
Before making my pick for this game, I had to do some research. The question was, what is a seahhawk? I looked it up but guess what, there is no entry on dictionary.com for "seahawk." But the website was like, "did you mean sea hawk?" And I was like, "No, but maybe you're on to something." As it turns out, a sea hawk is "a jager gull." This didn't help me because I didn't know what jager meant. So I looked up jager, which happens to be a species of gulls that "pursues other species of gulls and forces them to disgorge their prey." In other words, they are just disgusting.
So I still didn't really know what a seahawk (one word) was. Then I thought, Hey, maybe it's a hawk from the sea. This makes a lot of sense when you think about it for ten minutes or longer. Then, to finalize my definition, I looked at the picture on the Seahawks' helmets, which depicts a disembodied gull head with a fierce look of determination. Also, there are racing stripes coming out of its neck.
To summarize, a seahawk is a severed angry gull head with stripes instead of a body.
Usually, a ram could kill a seahawk. But you have to remember that this game will be played in Seattle, so the Seahawks will have the home field advantage. And since rams probably aren't good swimmers, the Seahawks should be able to swoop in and peck the Rams to death while the rams are trying to tread water. And pretty soon the rams will probably drown anyway.
Prediction: Seahawks 34, Rams 31.
Minnesota Vikings vs. Green Bay Packers
Packers pack stuff.
Vikings ride in ships across oceans and then when they land, they kill all the men in a village, rape all the women, and then burn all the houses down. Then they move on and kill other stuff like Buffaloes and make jackets out of them. They also have long beards, which are worth a hundred points, pig tails, which are worth negative one hundred points, and metal helmets with horns and antlers sticking out of them, which are worth a thousand points. When you throw in the dead animal jackets and the shields, their outfits are worth like three thousand points, which is a good score.
Vikings kill Packers every time.
Prediction: Vikings 45, Packers 10
New York Jets vs. San Diego Chargers
Thirty years ago when a lighting bolt would hit an airplane, the airplane would start beeping and then the pilots would lose control and the plane would crash into a mountain. But now planes are made out of a new material (aluminum or something) that is pretty much invincible. The new planes reflect the lightning back at the cloud so that the cloud dies instead of the airplane.
I guess.
Prediction: Jets 27, Chargers 23
Denver Broncos vs. Indianapolis Colts
This one's tough for obvious reasons. Colts and broncos are different kinds of horses, which are like giant dogs. A colt is a young horse, but a bronco is a wild horse. Further confounding the issue is the fact that a colt could actually be a bronco and a bronco could be a colt. This is probably the most evenly matched game since the New York Liberty played the Indiana Fever in the WNBA.
So let's look at the helmets again. The Colts have a blue horseshoe. That's not very intimidating. The Broncos have a horse with mean slanty eyes and an orange mohawk. He looks like he eats blue horseshoes for breakfast. I'll take the Broncos to upset the Colts in a high scoring affair.
Prediction: Broncos 88, Colts 79
If any of these predictions turn out to be remotely accurate, check back next week for lots of analysis and second round predictions.
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