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New Year's resolutions, like records, are made to be broken. Preferably with a chainsaw or nunchuks. Let's face it - the system we have in place, essentially a three-step process, does not work very well. We as Americans are collectively very good at the first step, which in nine out of ten cases requires an ability to recognize that we have a weight problem. We are also pretty good at the second step, which entails buying a gym membership, taking a guided tour of the elliptical trainers and Nautilus machines, and ordering a Bowflex for the garage. It's the third step that kills us because in the third step we actually have to go to the gym and use the equipment and not spike our protein shakes with butter or mayonnaise.
So what is wrong with the system? Are we making the wrong resolutions? Millions of Americans each year pledge to lose weight or quit smoking or, in my case, stop drinking coffee all day. Maybe we need to lower our standards or something. Instead of losing weight, we could try to not gain weight. Maybe smokers could cut down by a cigarette a day instead of an entire pack. I could not drink coffee five days a week, but still drink it on mornings when I had to write a column so that the columns wouldn't suffer like this column is currently suffering because I have a headache and my hands are shaking and I couldn't fool myself with the decaf I just drank.
But lower standards are for people who can't face the music. Lower standards would just lead to the same failure but on a smaller scale.
So I propose a new system. On New Year's Day, we will still make resolutions, but not for ourselves. We will make them for each other. I came to this conclusion after thinking really hard for like five minutes and I realized that there are a couple reasons why making your own resolutions is a bad idea.
First Your mirror is not the best judge of appearance, let alone personality or character. For example, you might think that you need to improve your people skills when really you need to go into rehab for your oxycontine addiction.
Second It is easier to cheat when you're only cheating yourself. Like this one time, I was doing a set of bicep curls and I was trying to do eight reps but number seven was pretty tough, so I was like, "Whatever, I got a pretty good workout anyway," and then I put the curl bar down. But if some guy in a Gold's Gym tank top was there to push me along and he said, "Hey, stop being a woman," then I would have finished my set, or at least I would have tried to finish my set, because I wouldn't have wanted to the guy in the tank top to think I was a woman. And as a result my biceps would be looking bigger right now.
So basically we need to stop pretending that we can both analyze and motivate ourselves. That's for other people to do.
Here's how I envision the new system working. On January first, you call your friends, or email them, or send them a Christmas card that you bought for half price because Christmas is over. However you want to get the message across, the message remains the same: this is what you need to resolve to improve about yourself.
To get the ball rolling, here's some New Year's Resolutions I plan to send out to friends this year:
- Stop trying to stifle your sneezes because it just sounds annoying.
- Stop emailing me about enhancing my penis size. I get it already. I'm saving up my money to buy your product so just show a little patience and leave me alone for a while.
- Don't stress out so much about me borrowing soda out of your fridge.
- If you're still quoting South Park in 2005 I will kill you.
I think all those resolutions are really appropriate to the friends that will be receiving them but I also think that they're probably not things that would normally be considered, so I think my friends will be really happy when they find out what their resolutions are.
To prove that the new system can work, I decided to give it a test run with a friend of mine who is a girl. I asked her what she would give me for a resolution and she said that quitting coffee was a good idea because coffee drinkers have bad breath. I said, "Good. We're in agreement," but then I thought about it for a while and I realized that she might have been saying that I had bad breath. This pissed me off so I told her that she was fat, even though she isn't fat, because I was hoping she would get an eating disorder or something. Then I realized that I didn't want her to have an eating disorder because she would be like, "Blah, blah, blah, I'm a woman with an eating disorder and you made me get it" all the time and that would suck. So I told her she wasn't actually fat and took her out for a small Haagen-Dazs.
We can make good, practical New Year's resolutions in 2005. It just takes a little help from our friends.
Now get out there and finish your set of bicep curls. Woman.
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adam@theadamwhite.com |
