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Right now the Red Sox are playing the Yankees on television sets all over the country and I'm sitting behind a desk at work. My job requires me to monitor one of the school's offices between eight and ten, which isn't very strenuous seeing as this office gets about as much traffic on the weekends as my website does. I wasn't too worried about missing the first innings of the baseball game because I figured I could watch them on the Internet. That's an option now, you know. MLB.tv. It's just like real TV except it doesn't work. Instead it launches a virus that makes your computer freeze and then explode. Or maybe this computer is only exhibiting those symptoms because it's an iMac. [Remember when iMacs came out and they were marketed as really simple? And sure, they look simple (the one at work is blue, by the way) but are they really any simpler? I say no. I feel like it takes me three mouse clicks to accomplish anything. And I'm always dragging stuff around and having to move windows. An iMac may be simple but it's simple and wrong. Kind of like one of the presidential candidates. (Oh no. Did I just write that? I guess this column won't be getting picked up by the good people over at FreeRepublic.com, "The Premier Conservative News Forum." Oh well.)]
Anyway, no MLB.tv. But their "gameday" feature does work. It tells me who's hitting, who's pitching, what the count is, and what the dimensions of Fenway Park are. In other words, I've been reduced to one of those extras in Eight Men Out that watched the game via telegraph in Times Square. Technology is really amazing.
So instead of relying on Fox to create my imagery for me, I have to do it on my own. For example, gameday just relayed to me the following message: "Hideki Matsui doubles (5) on a line drive to left fielder Manny Ramirez." That's not exactly normal baseball talk. It's very possible that Matsui's translator is providing the play-by-play. But with Manny Ramirez involved, I'm pretty sure I know what happened. Matsui hit a line drive to left field and Manny broke for the ball. He took a few steps, got bored, and then double-pointed at a random fan. This exact scenario has already happened five times since game one. Also thanks to gameday, I know that Matsui received five (5) points for said double. What I don't know is why Matsui goes by his last name when Ichiro goes by his first name. Japan's not a very big country. You would think they would have an established system for putting names on jerseys.
By the way, Matsui was thrown out at home plate apparently. Was it a close play? Somebody will have to fill me in. Gameday told me that there was a "ball put into play with out(s) recorded." Then it waited for forty seconds. Then it told me Matsui was out at the plate. I didn't think I'd ever find a more stressful way to watch a Red Sox game, but I just found it. A heart attack is suddenly very imminent. I feel like I just adopted Dick Cheney's circulatory system.
It's so lonely without Joe Buck and Al Leiter and Tim McCarver to keep me company. I've grown so used to the Fox telecasts. I mean, at first, the over-production was a little bothersome. I would hear Joe Buck say, "Well, it's been as easy as A-B-C, 1-2-3 for Mike Mussina tonight." And I would think, That's a weird thing to say. And then Fox would cue a highlight reel - no, wait, a flaming highlight reel - accompanied by The Jackson 5 singing "A-B-C, 1-2-3" and I would think, Oooohh. Now I get it. Then I would punch myself in the face as hard as I could.
And sure, Tim McCarver has progressed to the Pat Summerall, over-the-hill phase of his career. I keep expecting to hear the following exchange between Joe Buck and Al Leiter:
Joe: Hey, Al, have you seen Tim lately?
Al: Actually, no, I haven't.
Joe: I mean, he hasn't said anything for about an inning, which is fine, but I haven't even seen him in the booth.
Al: Well, he told me he was stepping out for a hot dog but -
Joe: Oh no.
Al: What?
Joe: Look at the Yankees dugout. Tim McCarver has run onto the field and he's running at the shortstop, Derek Jeter! Oh my God, McCarver just tore off his own shirt! And he has a tattoo on his back that says... I (heart) Jeter?
Al: Wow.
Joe: Jeter's trying to get away. McCarver's gaining on him.
Al: I can't belive McCarver can still move like this!
Joe: McCarver has tackled Derek Jeter!
Al: What's he doing?
Joe: I think...
{pause}
Joe: I think he's trying to hump Derek Jeter.
Al: This is disgusting.
But lately I've grown accustomed to Fox's little gimmicks. Like Scooter, the talking baseball. If it weren't for Scooter, I wouldn't know that a changeup went rrreeeaallly, rrrreeaaallly slllllooooowwww. Shouldn't Scooter be teaching Sex Ed somewhere?
(Where this paranthetical statement now resides, I originally had a long tutorial by Scooter on the dangers of date rape. I actually wrote it all out. It was a long paragraph and it had Scooter going out to dinner with Esteban Loaiza and Scooter got ruffied. And there was more. Believe it or not, I really do edit myself sometimes. In this case, consider yourself very fortunate.)
What am I missing during the commercial breaks? I can only imagine. Please tell me McDonald's just released a new Chicken Selects commercial where the office guy with the wrist band gets clotheslined by Terry Tate. I'd also like to see this happen to the AOL Member/Mom who stands on that boardroom table. (And can anyone explain to me why Moby is in this commercial? And why he doesn't have a line?) Maybe I'm missing a commercial for a High Definition television, in which they try to make the picture on my TV look really sharp. All this does is make me happy with the television that I already have. This is the problem with HD commercials. They can't make the picture look any sharper than what you've already got. And they can't make it any wider either. They can lop off the top and the bottom of my picture, and they frequently try this approach, but that just makes me think my TV is better because it's taller.
The clock has just struck ten, which means it's time to go. The Red Sox are losing. I better start watching them on a real television. I don't think I could take a loss in the dark.
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