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I have two types of readers: real and imaginary. I prefer the imaginary ones. Here's why:
- There are a lot more of them.
- They enjoy my columns more.
- They're mostly hot naked eighteen year-olds.
- I meant to say hot naked female eighteen year-olds.
- They send me lots of email.
So I've been looking through this email recently and it looks like a lot of readers, both male and female, are college students. And these readers have questions about setting up their college dorm rooms so I figured I'd try to answer some of them.
(If you're not a college student, or you're already happy with the way your dorm room is set up, here's a link to cnn.com. Go play over there for a while.)
To the letters...
I'm about to move into my freshman dorm room and I want it to be totally sweet because I want people to think I'm cool, but in a "I've totally left high school behind" kind of way. What should I put on my walls?
- Brad, Boise State
Well, Brad, it is the middle of October so you've probably been at school for a while now and judging by your email, I'm guessing that you've already been pegged as someone who is not, in fact, cool, so I'm not sure how much I can help. But I'll do my best.
Let's talk about posters. The first thing you're going to need is a poster that:
A) lists a bunch of drinks and shows you how to make them, or
B) shows a bunch of smiley faces in varying degrees of drug induced out-of-it-ness.
It's important to have at least one of these posters on your wall because it shows that you're interested in hanging out. You want other people to know that you like boozing, and a poster is a good place to start.
It’s similarly imperative that you have a poster of John Belushi in his COLLEGE sweater from Animal House. This also shows that you're interested in hanging out, but it goes one step further and says, "I'm interested in hanging out...like this guy."
This might be a good time to explain the "college" scale, which is a points rating system that operates between 0 and 4.0. You want to be as college as possible because you're in college and you want people to know that you're in college. For example, worrying about getting a good grade on your midterm is not college. It's like a 0.2 on the scale. But shotgunning a beer is very college. It's like a 3.4. On this scale, a John Belushi poster is a 4.0. Not only does it actually say COLLEGE on it, which is college, but it also features the man who is the embodiment of college. That poster on your wall says, "Hey. I'm so college that I'm willing to take this man as my role model. And let me remind you that this man died of acute cocaine and heroin intoxication at the age of thirty-three."
You're also going to need a neon beer sign, preferably of the domestic variety, and Christmas lights. Christmas lights mean you're ready to party at any time. It's kind of like a disco ball, but without the nausea.
Oh, and you're going to want to get a poster of a hot girl in a wet tank top and cut-off jeans washing a car. This tells female students that they better not come in your room unless they're:
A) approximately as hot as the girl in the poster.
B) good at washing cars.
What should I put in my room? I'm a girl.
- Lisa, University of Washington
Start with the bed because it seems to be the centerpiece of every girl's room I've ever been in. All girls' beds have a feather mattress, pink flannel sheets, and hundreds of stuffed animals that climb on your face while you're sleeping and try to suffocate you.
You should also erect a small shrine to your ex-boyfriend around your desk. This is so when you bring a guy up to your room and the guy asks you what's up with all the pictures, you can say, "That's my boyfriend. Well, ex-boyfriend. I don't know. It's complicated." Every college girl loves to say this and will do so at any opportunity. This practice, along with the menstrual cycle, was designed by God to torture men.
But the most important thing about a girl's room is that it should smell good. Guys are allowed to smell like farts and pizza and beer, but girls aren't. I know it's unfair. I don't make the rules.
I'm a senior and I feel like I've graduated from the "I'm trying to impress everyone with all my college paraphernalia" phase. In fact, I want to show that I'm more mature than the average college student. Any suggestions?
- Stephen, NYU
I see. You're almost ready for the corporate world and you want people to know this. It's very important that younger women know you're sophisticated. You're very into wine and cheese parties. In fact, you're very into any sort of alcohol that isn't beer.
I actually know where to find the perfect template for your room. It's across the hall in my fraternity and it's maintained by a senior named Will. He's got an Asian-influenced all-white motif going on. It's kind of like a "if this fraternity were a night club, then my room would be the V.I.P. room where everybody drinks Krystal and does coke" approach to interior decoration. There's also a fern in Will's room because in college, it's a sign of maturity if you can successfully take care of a plant. It's the perfect setting for a great Mojito party like the one Will threw last weekend.
Okay, I'm out of time. I hope all your Feng Shui problems have been solved. Right now I have to go take a nap on my futon. Which is a very college thing to do by the way.
P.C.S. (Post Column Script. It's kind of like a P.S., but for my column. And it's appropriate because I was recently suffering from post-concussion syndrome, which is also referred to as P.C.S.)
Just so you don't think that all my emails are imaginary, I thought I'd include a good one from a real person. Mike DiCenzo from Boston University, in response to my Serving Up a Special Plate column, wrote:
I was riding on the subway when a grizzled emaciated black man wearing an eyepatch made what started off as a rather trite, run-of-the-mill "I'm homeless" announcement. He asked for our attention and our help, and then said, "Now, I'm going to sing you a song," immediately firing into a slow, somber, yet dissonantly soulful rendition of "Ain't Too Proud To Beg."
"I kno-o-ow you want to leave me /But I refu-u-u-se to let you go / If I have to beg and plead for your sympathy /I don't mind, 'cause it means that much to me /Ain't too proud to be-e-e-e-g..." etc.
I started laughing, but no one else did.
Have you heard from Danny Baram?
Um, yes. I have heard from Danny Baram.
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