In college, my roommates (Mark Sweeney and Jesse “Fred” Klempner) and I used to write something for the school paper called The Draft Board (check out the archives). Basically we would take turns drafting people – sometimes athletes, sometimes television stars, sometimes dead Presidents – for a make-believe competition of some sort (usually a softball game or a street fight). This time we’re giving that idea a TYAP twist. We drafted tribes of four celebrities to help us compete in a Survivor-like competition. The goal is to win control of a tropical island. We can expect to have challenges along the way – both physical and mental.
Here are the rules:
1. The celebrities have to be between the ages of 18 and 26.
2. They have to be real celebrities.
3. Fred always loses.
And now, the draft:
Mark: Just as Oden was the clear top pick in the 2007 NBA Draft, the seven-footer is the best choice available in this draft. First, he'd be dominant in most any Survivor-type competition; he's an amazing athlete, a huge physical specimen, and a proven winner. But beyond that, he's a proven character guy who's funny and humble away from the game. He also once said he'd have gone into dentistry if he'd not been a basketball
player, which already qualifies his as team medic. Finally, even though he (allegedly) meets the under-26 requirement, he looks much more sage and mature, so the team will naturally look up to him.
Sure, he may not the flashiest athlete – an inferior drafter would assuredly take someone else here, like LeBron James – but Oden’s ideal for the competitive aspects... and the "hang out on the island after we win" aspects.
Adam: Not only is she beautiful and talented, but she's overcome a Harvard education and somehow done some good for the universe. For example, she spearheaded a program to get loans to women in developing countries. Will that help our tribe assert dominance over the rest of the island? Probably not. And actually, I'm a little worried that she's a communist. But she's small and can fit through small crevices if the need arises.
Fred: I already know what Adam is going to say: that Leinart is simply a pretty boy who happens to be okay at football. His Hollywood life aside (honestly, has anyone other than Adam in Greater L.A. not been linked with Paris Hilton and/or Britney Spears?), it's not his fault that he is stuck on a team whose fans don't even care about it. Put him on a real sports team, in a city that actually cares (and let him bring Larry Fitzgerald and Anquan Boldin with him) and I bet that Leinart would take his team to the playoffs. My team needs leaders and winners, and Leinart is both.
Adam: From a recent Sports Guy mailbag:
Q: My roommate and I were discussing Matt Leinart and his continuing shenanigans and wondered where Leinart would be if he couldn't throw a football? It took me literally about 0.3 seconds to determine he would be none other than Jason Wahler, pretty boy of "Laguna Beach" and "The Hills." You know, the Orange County party boy known for club-hopping, hanging with second-rate celebs and [involved in] various police incidents. Am I wrong here?
--Matt P., Phoenix
SG: You know, I've flip-flopped on the Matt Leinart era at least six times over the past two years, but any time a reader compares a starting QB to the soulless, dim-witted bad boy who got back with LC on "The Hills" solely because he wanted to be on TV again, and the comparison actually works … that's a terrible sign for the 2007 Arizona Cardinals. Almost as terrible as the fact that their team name is "the Arizona Cardinals."
Adam: I know what you're thinking Fred: "I'll draft Jake, send him over to Adam's camp, and have him pretend to be Adam so I can get all their tribe's secrets." Well, too bad I'm one step ahead of you and the guy you drafted is really me pretending to be Jake.
Fred: Disclaimer: the above was a shameless plug by Adam to attract female readers. Adam looks nothing like Jake Gyllenhaal. Nothing.
Adam: I've always wanted to make a musical remake of Lord of the Flies - where instead of actually fighting, the different "tribes" would sing and dance their way to victory. It would be like Westside Story, but on an island. And Justin Timberlake would be perfect for the lead role in that musical. Unfortunately, we're not making a musical. Still, solid pick, I think.
Mark: I just totally neutralized Adam's last choice with this selection. Biel was the most attractive female left on the draft board, so it won't only be JT that will distracted by her feminine wiles. Plus she's got some intellect too: she went to Tufts for a couple years.
Mark: Much like Oden, Polamalu fits perfectly into my team's mold: he's a premier athlete who's also seemingly humble and selfless off the playing field. Unlike Fred's team, my squad will not be laden with overblown egos, which will makes the team function smoothly both during and after the competitions.
Adam: Most people think she's just another hot actress, but I read an interview with her in which she talked about her love of cooking. Well, guess what? When you're stranded on an island, you have to eat. And somebody's gotta do the cooking. Have fun eating raw fish, Mark and Fred. What is this, Japan?
Fred: Way to draft a woman just to spend time in the kitchen, er, around the campfire. Very liberated of you.
Fred: Can anyone think of a cooler athlete under 26 that they would like to spend time with?
Adam: I’m sure Matt Leinart’s going to be thrilled to read that comment. Way to crap on your number one pick, Fred.
Fred: Look, if there is ever a female physical challenge on my island, I'm willing to bet Serena will win. Natalie will hide in a "small crevice" while one Jessica "cooks" and the other "distracts" the men on the island. Wow. This one is gonna be a blowout.
Adam: My entire squad just shivered in fear.
Mark: I'll enjoy watching Mr. Facebook engage in any sort of physical activity against Oden and Polamalu. And I can't believe Whitey took not one, but two, Harvard people?! Yikes.
Adam: He's not a Harvard guy. He didn't even bother graduating. He's an Exeter guy like me. And that means he's smart. Listen, he's the only one on the board right now that's famous for BEING INTELLIGENT. You can try to win with all the brawn and beauty in the world, but nothing can replace brains. This isn't a bench press competition for models.
Mark: This guy will be a clubhouse favorite, so to speak. He's certainly an able athlete and competitor -- he ranks among the best snowboarders and skateboarders in the world -- and he seems like an amusing dude. Plus he's a noted surfer, and once my team gains control of the island, I'd like to learn to surf.
There you have the twelve most visible leaders of our generation, at least in our opinion. For those of you who like statistical breakdowns, we drafted six athletes, five entertainers, and a guy that launched a pretty cool website.
You might be wondering where all the politicians, public servants, soldiers, and writers are. But unfortunately they don’t exist yet. Not in our generation. Or they exist but we don’t know about them. This means two things:
1. Our culture is obsessed with sports, entertainment, and money.
2. No real leaders have emerged from our generation yet.
We probably can’t change number one, but number two, that’s something we can fix. So let’s get going on that.
adam@theadamwhite.com |
